sarbare

illuminations
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2006-02-15 21:51:52 (UTC)

uhm yea

alright just to clear something up. previous to the post on the 9th of last
month, i had written a number of blogs on jason, and then i noticed they
kinda stopped. mostly because i had failed to write a post on what had
happened in that whole situation.

After the last post on jason, i made the decision to tell him that he needed to
make a decision as to wether or not he wanted to be with me, if we were
going to continue to talk. I explained that i couldnt just be his friend.. it
wasnt just a friendship anyway. but he wasnt commiting himself, only asking
me to commit to daily phone calls, and hangout/makeout sessions that
seemed to bear no meaning on the validity of a relationship.

after about a week of not talking, since he was basically like 'well fine, i cant
make that decision right now' we got into a huge argument, over .. i cant
even remember what. then he went and hurt me with his words pretty bad,
knowing what would get me, his intentions were to piss me off.. instead it felt
like my heart broke in two.

that night i went out and i got shitfaced. i was trashed, making drunk dials to
jas, and eventually dara bitched him out.. im not sure. i was a wreck. and i
realized i was letting him controll my life, rather than giving the conroll to
God. so the next day i made a decision in my heart, and i told Jas we would
never be getting back together and i no longer saw us as potentialy being a
couple.

a week went by..

not much more than a one one two sentance online convo with jason.

the next weekend came, and along with that came my birthday. my 21st
birthday. i got smashed, and yet again phoned jason while drunk. i'm not
sure why.. i think i was feeling lonely and i was being lustful. but the party
waas soon over, and i came to the admittence of a struggle i had never dealt
with, and that was with alcohol.

i cried and fought, but i gave into the Lord, and gave up the bottle.

another week passed... this time not speaking at all to jas.

the weekend that came, was one of the best i had had in a long long time. it
was quite, and relaxing. i connected with the girls, i was sober, and i was
free. no calls to jason, no nothing.

last week came and passed.

jas and i started talking casually online.. he asked about my drinking, and we
talked about that. i told him about mark, who i had started to gain slight
feelings for. about the date adam had asked me to go on with him. friday
night, he called me. we talked for a good hour. it was nice, but that was it.

then the date with adam. i told him about that, and confessed i really didnt
have feelings for adam, and wasnt sure how to deal with that, since i felt he
liked me.. i'm not sure he partucularity cared but he listened and said he
understood.

then came monday night. what was finally becoming a friendship was shoved
into a huge reality check.

jas and i both ended up at the bowling ali at the same time. i was with my
guys (jay, sean and adam) and jas with his. my heart was racing. i couldnt
calm down, and i ended up jusat getting really hyper. so i decided to have a
beer. .. i had had one with the guys on friday night and it was cool. i also just
wanted the excuse to walk over to the lanes jas was at.

we ended up talking a few times that night, he even came and introduced
himself to my friends. and watched me bowl a bit.. i ended up bowling a 122
which is crazy! and of cource i was a dork and ran down to tel lhim at the
other end of the palace.

well that night he texts me after, and we end up on the phone.

we talk for a while. the feelings are apparent.

he finally askes me if i will be his valentine, since the next day is valentines
day. i agree. its official..

then i explain to him how johnny was suppose t make me dinner, but how i
had pissed him off for calling him out, and so it looked to me as if he were
planning to cook for someone else. so jason offers to cook.

all day yesterday im a wreck ... nervious as can be.

he cooks lasganga and chicken, and its pretty good if i do say so.

im telling myself i should go.. its nearing 8 .. house meeting is at 8.. but i
convince myself its valentines day.. i can miss one house meeting.

so i stay and we watch tv.

9 o'clock.. were sitting about 5 feet from eachother. his mom even comments
on it

10 o'clock.. were probably an inch from eachother

11 o'clock.. were flirting hard core, and im giving him a back rub

its time to go home sarah.. c'mon sarah just get up and go. you have class,
its late. coooome on goooo..

12 o'clock.. i'm biting his lip as he grasps onto my hair. he askes if i want to
go to his room... no no no no!! i say yes.

2 am .. we have had sex twice and lay there talking.

**note** we havent had sex since we broke up almost a year ago. on top of
that i had been his first, and jas was always one with strong opinions on
sex...

now as i sit here and i think.. i begin to question... why did he do that?? why
did i do that??

and something chilling runs down my back... that i dont even want to bring
up...

it sholdnt have been done.. it shouldnt havehappened. its for marriage.. and
if it wasnt real, then i dont know what i'll do..

there are so many other aspects.. but they are stuck in my head at the
moment.


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