sarbare

illuminations
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2006-02-12 10:30:08 (UTC)

whoaa.. confusion

i'm pretty confused right now.. and i know where i should start is in prayer,
but i wanna write this down, before things happen, and or i loose the
motivation to write on such topics

so the whole guy thing, seems to cease from its ever present activity in my
life. though the situation have changed quite a bit from what they were a year
ago... or even a few months ago fot that matter.

anyway..

so friday night i got to hang out with mark.. well we went to an aa thing at
our church together, if you consider that hanging out. and well i like mark..
something about hm just makes me laugh, and seeing his desire to follow the
Lord inspires me, and also really attracts me to him. and when we talk i feel
like i could tell him anything, and he wouldnt take any of it the wrong way,
and even would understand it and where im coing from. and i mean in any
light.. not just with heavy conversation, but just joking around as well. but i
dont feel that relationship moving anywhere fast, and i'm not sure i'm even
bothered by that. i'd just love the chance to get to know him better and
spend more time with him.

then there is adam. He took me out to dinner tonight. had asked me earlier
this week, and i accepted thinking it would be awsome to get to know one of
my brothers better. It was a date, but at the same time.. i was thinking more
along the lines of a casual date. getting to know eachother better as friends.
being in the same home church the idea of really dating him gets even
weirder. i enjoyed hanging out with adam though. he is talkative, it wasnt
really awkward at all. he has a weird sence of humor, that im slowly catching
on to. reall mellow, alot like me in some personality ways, resrved yet open,
calm, yet exciteable. which makes him comfortable to be around.. yet, i dont
find myself nearly as attracted to him.. maybe its because of mark, maybe i'm
just shutting myself off, because i want to hold out and see what becomes of
mark and i... if anything, which could very well not happen.

i guess i'm kinda wondering what the Lord has in mind here. i'm not quite
sure yet. but either way i want to follow what He has planned for me, because
i know He knows my heart deeper than i even know it myself.

i'm just nervous i guess.. part of me doesnt want anything to do with a
relationship right now... i guess im nervous too, bc i could sence a deeper
likeing from adam for me, and i guess i dont know how to take that.

i guess the good thing is, is that both of these guys are in fellowship so either
way, i know that God will honor the situations if He is placed first.


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