Jammes14

Mercury
2006-02-05 10:33:20 (UTC)

rash

some bad bouts of depression. still reacting with highly
sensitived nerves.

a rash has been spreading on the inside of my left arm. it
doesn't itch or hurt, it just feels tight and tender, like a
light sunburn. its been slowly spreading, first it was about
5 x 2 inches, now it's length is over half my bicep to
almost my wrist. still, no change in physical feeling. just
something weird. even more weird is that i haven't been
having any radical changes in moods or thoughts. it started
out of the blue 2 or so weeks ago.

another weird phenomenom is this overall bodily tingly
itching sensation i get every now and then. it feels like
the shiveries/goosebumps (dunno the mainstream or medical
term), but it's a hot prickly feeling, not a sharp cold
feeling. i have to start recording when and why it occurs,
it occurs maybe once a day (started about the same time as
my rash).

my body's really rejecting myself. i know my mind cannot be
healthy for it. i put it through hell everyday.

been way more tired lately. so good news: no more insomnia.
bad news: i need insomnia for homework and other crap. but i
know the more sleep the better for my condition.

i borrowed a few books from the library. one on cognitive
behavioral pyschology, which seems to be the most useful
treatment in my case, though every technique in the book
i've already tried long ago. seems to be mostly utilizing
logic against one's disorder. tried it for years, failed.
another book i got was self-hypnosis. pretty interesting
studies. people can voluntarilly put themselves into a
dreamlike trance, look at themselves, paint their own
dreams. i tried this a couple times after reading some
strategies, but my mind's way too noisy. too compulsive. my
subconscious has always played devil's advocate in my head.
doing a puzzle, answer is at the bottom of the page, my eyes
are pulled by my subconscious to look at the answer. very
difficult to control.

so my entire disorder is not just my expectation of
perfection. it's self-hate. i hate all these variables.

i've got alchoholism, marijuana, electroconvulsive shock
therapy, and a romantic relationship as potential cures.
after i've tried all of those, im shit outta ideas.




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