alone and adored
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2006-02-05 04:23:05 (UTC)

No Future Is Scarey

got so much stuff on my mind lately... thinking about how
much I wanna go to Quebec this summer but Im terrified it
won't happen and Ill spend another summer sober, lame and
alone. I want to move on. branch out. I tried not working
myself up about it but its hard to want something that
could change your life. i mean im doing pretty good but
this place and university are boring me... i just feel
left out sort of... im afriad if i dont do something that
ill sink into this hole of a life where i marry some loser
and live in some loser small town and be stuck with a
shitty dead end job. idealy i wanna wear pencil skirts
and pumps to work know what im saying... i think this is
me stressing that Que. wont happen and thus France wont
happen and thus nothing will happen i mean another year
here will just mean more straight and narrow than if i
moved away but i donno i just feel like i need to get off
my ass in a big way- not just call someone and go to the
movies. like... go learn french- in france... damn damn
damn... i want it bad and im fucking myself up cuz it
might not happen. arg and meanwhile i keep waiting for the
perfect guy to come along and calm my fears but of course
he's waiting somewhere else and if i cant get somewhere
else then alone i remain. effff. jesus h. angry at myself
mostly. donno where i wanna go next year... thinking
along this lines of plant anatomy/physiology but i dont
have the math for it and id have to do chem and math and
im not sure im up to that... this is where that
quote "it's not fear of failure, it's fear of success"
comes in... i donno... am i afraid to do work and get the
marks? will i be overwhelmed in discovering the effort it
takes to make " the world my oyster" ? what the hell is
wrong with me... im waiting just like i was waiting in
rowing for an epiphany where i pull off 120% and come out
on top... but we all know what happened there... i quit...
not that i think ill start whoring myself for coke but i
really really really dont wanna wake up someday and ask
myself where i went wrong and realize that im so deep in
cliches that ill never dig my way out. i need a list of
things i want and at the bottom of that list sadly is work
ethic...well fuck me.. i spose thats my problem... what i
goddamn want is for some glorious sexy pirate to whisk me
away for Baja on his impressive boat (which doesnt act as
a penis extension) and take me diving for a summer or a
year whatever, and let me get my shit together and hold me
all the live long day... yah wishful thinking... buut if i
were studing coral reef denaturation which im not sure is
a word than i would be in exotic places but then again, id
have to start doing well in school... fuck fuck fuck its
like two MAJOR options and both are tantilizing (a) france
and then who knows what cuz life is a party or (b)
major in bio and study plants and shit for the rest of my
life... can fucking do.. but a few more years stuck here
and if i fuck up grade-wise then im boned... mostly i
think im afraid of wasting a year doing something
totally... useless like learning french or learning plant
anatomy and realizing ive wasted a year of my life and
several thousand dollars worth of my paretns $$. this
entry helped tho... i still want a sexy pirate.

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