Nick's Journal
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2006-01-29 15:52:52 (UTC)

Interviewing drunken homeless women was not part of my job description

let me start this entry by saying, i am far from perfect.
one need only look at my two latest cooking expeditions.
first off i may be far from perfect, but i am also a stellar
cook. yeet for some reason the past two attempts have gone
up in smoke (literally).
last night i was cooking a veggie burger (yeah a veggie
burger) in our oven. i had the thing on a bun which was
promptly burn to a crisp, i got pissed and threw the bun
away and put the burger itself directly on the grill. after
about two minutes it started reeking. i opened the oven and
noticed that the cheese i had placed on top was all over the
fucking burner. i then tried to get the damned thing out,
flipping it through the fucking grill and causing it to
burst into a ball of flames.
this morning i was making an omelet. i wanted a nice cheese
and ham and spinach and mushroom and onion and garlic one.
but it turns out we had spinach and a rotting schallot. i
cut up the schallot while the oil was heating. i then
placed the cut shallot in the pan which was promptly burnt
to a crisp. being the idiot i am i then put the FROZEN
spinach in the pan. the ensuing spew of grease popped all
over me. note here: i always cook in my boxer shorts
because i always spill shit on me and i figure i can atleast
just hope in the shower. let's just say my right nipple is
still recovering. so you can rest assured i realize my own
on to the drunken homeless lady. our receptionist quit so
we are out hunting for a new employee. this week we
e-mailed a lady with a stellar resume and asked her for an
interview. she canceled twice and on the third time called
up from subway and told us she would be over in about 5
mins, but she didn't have any "nice clothes" as her friend
locked them in her apartment and she was gone overseas.
yeahhhhhhhh, around that time we realized that she was
we didn't even have a chance to say no when she had hung up.
we had no method of contacting her so there we all were,
sweatin' it up wondering what the hell we were going to do
when sheh arrived. the very plausible scenario came to mind
that she could be liquored up and could potentially wild out
on us if we didn't play our cards right. now i work with
about 9 women and my boss. my boss was out and the 9 women
were literally cowering in the conference room. then we
heard a knock at the front door; i swear to god it was like
a fucking scary movie "attack of the drunken homeless
i went and answered it because i figured this was a welcome
change to the usual lunch banter. oh man.
so i open the door and this woman who is clearly homeless is
standing there. she REAAAAAAKED of grain alcohol and stale
clothing. she was wearing one of those neon jumpsuits and
her frizzy grey hair was standing on ends from her
greyish-white face.
"i'm heah fo de jash" i believe the last word was job but
she was slurring her words so badly. i was completely
perplexed at how to get rid of her when a clever idea sprang
into my head.
i went into the office and came back with her resume.
"who was your second employer and for how long did you work
she was dead silent, slightly rocking.
"where did you graduate college?"
she squinted her eyes.
"is this your resume?"
at this she let our a sigh.
"i'm sorry but i don't think we'll be pursuing this
opportunity any further as you have clearly mis-represented
"ok, should i go out the way i came in?"
"ummmm, yeah, that will be fine."
problem solved, no hard feelings (i hope she doesn't come
back to kill me).
my question is this. how can you have the presence of mind
to swipe a resume (a VERY outstanding resume at that). be
able to set up an interview. yet NOT do one of the
following things:
1.) dress up. either by something or borrow something.
they have these organizatoins where they give you nice suits
and dresses for these occassions if you can't afford your own.
2.) NOT ARRIVE DRUNK!!! even if you don't want to do the
first thing, at least!!!! don't show up drunk. christ!
you see i'm not against her having applied or whatever.
people can be down on their luck or whatever, and i have to
admit my firm was VERY receptive to her up until the point
she called from subway.
it is just inconsiderate and a waste of time. ugh.

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