Sarahbellum

now

When hope dies

I cried a million tears. Sometimes I think there are no
more, but I make a liar out of myself. I lost my best
friend. He might read it. He might not. I have to stop
wondering. I don't know if I've lost all hope. I guess we
all have it burning somewhere. I've tried to snuff it
out. Hope hurts. I want to hurt myself. Punish myself.
He didn't do a good enough job I guess. I want him to
smile and be happy. If you read this know that it might
not feel like it but you're taking the easy way. Even that
way is hard I guess. Why do you keep running away? So
what if you don't love me anymore. I don't deserve this.
I don't have anyone to talk to. No one understands even
though they've all read the book, seen the movie, lived the
life. We were different. I am different.
Everything feels wrong. I'm too cold or hot, hungry or
sick. I don't want to be awake. I don't want to sleep. I
can't stand noise. I can't stand silence. Where am I
supposed to go now? What am I supposed to do? Why does it
matter. How much more time is there? Why isn't God
sending me a sign I can read. I want to believe but
can't. Nothing is right. I have to start dreaming of what
could come and forget what was, but I didn't really get a
chance to say goodbye. It's like a death without a
funeral, without a grave site, without an end. I'm being a
child. A woman would say fuck you and move on. I take one
step forward and two steps back. It will be a slow journey
forward at that pace. But I've got nothing but time.