I`ve been struggling lately, my hopes and plans for the
future is not whats comming trugh.
The other night there where these words in my head, I dont
know where they came from, but I could not get them out of
there and they where: dreams change.
And as I came to think about it thats true. There was a
time, not that long ago, but it feels like for ever I had
other plans for mye future and careere. And they changed
til the once I have know. The only thing thats stil the
same is my hopes and dreams about S*. But I dont think
he`s important in this picture.
Yesterday I wrote a really long entry about this girl
Charlene, and just before I was finish my compurter where
out of power and I lost everything. I`ll give Charlene her
entry some other day, but the point is, I held a speach
for her, about her life and future, and pretty much of it
also goes to me.
When I was young I dreamt about meeting Mr.perfect, he
would be georgus,I`ll be beutifull, he`ll be smart and
make much monny, we get ourself a beutiful home and I get
pregnant. He`ll go to work in the morning, I`ll stay home
with the baby. In wacations we`ll travel and for Christmas
he`ll buy me expencive gifts. We`ll be happy er afther,
with more children, in a harmonic and loving family.
I seriously belived that buy the time I was 18 I would
have a child.
Then I started reading my moms magazines, sometimes women
would write their storys and sell them to the magazines,
and I read about women who had lived my dream, only to
wake up one day to find their man gone, and their finances
who they was told was fine, where actually verry bad, and
he had taken up depth in her name, so now she had to pay
it. It was sevral stories like this.
And I learned that even though I hate mathematichs, I will
not let a man completly have controll over our finances,
its something that shall be done together.
I also wanted a career for my self. There was something I
really wanted to becomme, and I dreamt about it for years,
as Kellys dreams changed, my was stil the same.
I dont remember how it changed, I think it was that I
wanted an educatuian in case the dreem of a super career
did not come true.I found something I liked and was
intrested in, and became even more instrested in it, and
more and more, and this path became my dream. Mybe it was
because I had not heard proper about it when I was younger
that it had not been my dream all along.
I was so happy when I got into uni. my first year was the
best year in my life when it comes to education, I loved
it so much! Life was hard when it came down to other
things like family and relationship, but as far as
education goes, I feelt I was in the right place,
something I had not feelt in a long time.
Unfortunaltly I might not make it. To get into one of the
programs and get an bachleor or master. There is verry
hard competition, and a lot of realy smart people. I dont
think I`ll ever get in. And then what?
I have been really upset about that. I want it so bad, its
my dream. I dont have a backup plan. But Im realising my
dream might never come true and then what?
I guess the answer is you make new dreams. Dreams can
change, I know that now.
I think its better letting it go, and find somthing else
to be happy about, instead of holding on and be misserable
at what you do.
I`ve tryed really hard to make it come true for me, but it
didnt. And I cant say if I only spent more time studying,
cause there was not more time.
There is a lot of dreams thatdid not come true for me,
some are stil on hold, others had to let go or are
changed. I stil have dreams for my future.
Its so sad realising my dream career might jus be a dream
forever, but I hear the comforting words in my head: