Dazz

Dazz
2006-01-24 17:37:00 (UTC)

Bryan


Because he saved my life.


Because he saved me from a life of drugs and unhappiness.

Because he taught me humility... to admit things to
myself. respect. That there was another as cunning,
ruthless and smart as i am. hE IS MY MATCH, my equal.

In him, I am safe. Trust. Unconditional.

He looks at me, thru me.. to me. knows me, loves me, no
false lies. there is nothing to fake, he knows me and
loves me for it.

There is pride with him.

no games, no need.

when he becomes one with me.. when i no longer know where
i begin and where he ends... there is bliss. An ultimate
perfection. Truth.

Simplicity..

thougths of the future, but not giddy, not rushed... in
this moment is where we are.. where we enjoy eachother.
where our love grows.
And the love.. is not what millions expect. It is
elusive, if you reach it evades. It is either there or
not. Let is bloom or die on its own, the world will
continue, it is not death, tho, the fear of being alone is
death for some.

Break past, my fear was broken as i lay in a bathtub
full of blood and tears.... longing and cryiong out in
utter despair for a love. .. realizing there is myself,
and i can love. be my own love. fill that empty gap with
the love for myself.
There was anger... but anger just as a cover... hide my
lonliness behind a wall.. damm learned behaviour from
things past... but at nite.. laying by myself.. in a home
that was no longer my home of the past... after a time of
acceptance of my human condition.. the state i had led
myself up to bear.. i felt an inner glow emerge. slowly..
then in waves.. a peaceful force nuturing.. breathing life
into my bones... into my soul..

The change was gradual.. slow.. sometimes i didnt even
realize.. i didnt concentrate on it being there, for it is
elusive.

Then there he was one day, in a place i fled to on a
whim.. somethnig inside me took me to that place.. i had
to be there.. it weas just what i was to do.

As i looked around, by myself, lost in the sea of people
trying to reach out.. never realizing or admitting..

there he was. looking back at me with the same
understanding. Blue eyes wide, crystal clear, i could see
to his very inner being.. and him to mine.
straight thru he looked with intensity, with passion,
understanding... with all that he holds inside.
We stood, locked to eachother for a moment.. he
approached, slowly, there was no time where we stood,
where we looked.. calm.. beautiful. timeless priceless.

i breathed in his beauty, his gentle look.. his
curiousity.. what was this creature like me... just us in
that moment, all else was lost. We both knew.. there was
none like us.


It couldnt be... i looked away.
took breath, deeply, to my soul

"heres you knight in shining armor" a voice droned in the
background. a nudge later... he was moving forward.
words were spoken
he was nothing i expected, tho, i expected nothing.

Small talk, chit chat. introductions and the like..
My senses slowly returning as te world around became
sharper.. realitiy coming back..

Bryan. the name didnt suit him, tho i spose our hman
names never do.. there is no name to put to him.
christina is but a name, does not give meaning to me..
just as him.

no thought to it, i gave him the way to talk to me
again..

I passed it off, i told myself he was just a small
thing.. he'd never call.. and i never expected him to..
perhaps in a few day i told myself.. and soon forgot.

But the calls came. again and again.. sometimes twice..
nott hat we had much to say.. it seemed enoguh that the
presence of eachother was felt. somehow, we were closer ..
it felt quiet when the presence was gone.
Life continued, work and such

Soon, we were to go out again. Butterflies running high,
feeling sexy and confident.. i met him again.

A touch, a brush of the arm.. a smile.. till his hands
held the small of my back.. I could feel every second..
every moment.. warth and strength wrapped together..
some fear..
small words caught my breath
then..an apearence from someone i knew.. gave way to high
tension.. the past was stil hard to deal with.. tho not a
direct past influence, someone conected, not very well
known. uncertainty crept in.

I am not a touchy person, im not someone who needs to be
touched i said, good neither am i he spoke.. yet never
wanting to let me out of his arms..
i stuggled with this, not wanting others to see...
tho it was like trying to fight what i wanted most..
i gave in to his safe hold

Tho.. the concern was still in the back of my mind,
taunting me.. haunting me... twisting my wants.. fiddling
with my fear . i took a step back from bryan

Sitting later, some words gostled my very being. With
walls up, with defences running high.. looking away..
words caught my ear.. i became caught in him, in that
moment

"i just really want a house and a family. a few kids and
a wife to love"
Simple words, yes.. but he spoke to my soul, directly,
diliberatly. He wanted to keep me... it was something
said with fear intwined
My breath caught, a tinge arose in my chest, i turned
looked at him .. should i answer? what to say.. silence.
a small smile
His insecurity took over
" uhh.. perhaps that sounds strange to you " he mumbled,
unsure if he had given himself away
A lost look to him, i replied .. my soul caught up in
my throght.. tho not chocking me
" that sounds wonderful "

Of course there were other small moments such as those

I recall speaking of something... him asking about it.
convinced he would not understand my womanly ways, i told
him so..
he turned around, full of intesity " Yes i would" and
i believed him. tho.. i did not explain.





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