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2006-01-21 13:59:38 (UTC)

acceptance/sigur ros

shitty day. shitty days always leads to a reconsideration of
everything. because nothing is working. i haven't healed at
all. everyday it's the same thing.

new hopeless hypothesis: acceptance. every now and then,
usually after trying out a theory and failing in less than a
week, i consider acceptance. basking in the fact that i will
never heal. ill always have a guilt complex, and so i might
as well get used to it. because i still haven't gotten used
to it. i keep fighting, i keep losing. it's better to give
up, and expect to be hurt. no more trying to block, repress,
rationalize, fight, it's all futile. not a single theory,
besides extreme repression (if im lucky) (which has lead to
other nasty side effects) has worked. so, expect pain.
expect my subconscious to win. enjoy the ride.

i mention sigur ros because i watched a few more of his
videos tonight, untitled 1 and glosoli, and cried. i usually
do tear up when watching sr videos, but this time i cried
from just watching the children. i realized that i never
really had a childhood. the complex has been with me since
birth, so ive always been reserved. i was always
introverted, never much cared for socializing. i never much
cared for children ever, i wanted maturity, intelligence,
not innocence. i can't stand childish people. it could be me
eternally running away from my past, and therefore hating
any image of myself younger than today. i never had
innocence. ive never felt it. ive never been carefree. ive
never had a friend who could understand me. i haven't found
a single soul who could relate or fully understand what im
going through.

one thing, though. when i was a kid, grade school, i was
still more extroverted than i am today. i was in plays,
raised my hand whenever possible, never really had any
inhibitions when talking to people. i was aware that i had
some guilt thing going on, but it wasn't very materialized
yet. i was somewhat oblivious. i had pain, but it was very
abstract and confusing. i used to see after-school specials
or crap like that that said to kids 'do you feel guilty?'
and i thought yes, this is for me, when later i found out it
was for kids who thought they caused their parents' divorce,
so i wasn't really their target audience. but anyway, i
still acted somewhat extrovert, and had no fear. that was
key. no fear. i wouldn't think twice about speaking in front
of the class. whatever guilt i had, i more or less accepted
it and went on with my homework, video games, whatever.
maybe thats what i have to do. ill feel the same pain, sure,
but at least i can still act like a normal person. i've got
to stop fighting the pain. ive got to say, 'well, ive gotta
speak in front of the class tomorrow, im gonna be feelin it
later that night for sure.' it eases the pain a little. i
often times laugh at my experiences, like the way one would
laugh at the show 'curb your enthusiasm'. i can relate to
that a lot, sometime ive just gotta laugh at how ridiculous
my life has become.

also, ive been doing some research on my illness, and for a
while i thought what i had was social anxiety. but its not
quite that. it's all about guilt. i can go up and speak and
do whatever without panicking or feeling hurt. the time
before i speak im a little shakey, but who isn't? its the
time after the experience that separates me from social
anxiety sufferers. i feel guilt about hurting others,
bothering them, etc. i don't care if i make a fool of myself
and makes others laugh, i had a flat tire tonight on my
bike, and i didn't feel any embarassment as i was changing
it on the sidewalk, maybe i gave a few drivers a cheap laugh
or two. i didn't hurt them, that's the key. but if i hurt
anyone in anyway, even non-social ways, like posting on a
message board, and in turn pissing someone off, offending
them, etc, i feel tremendous guilt. even if it was just some
jackass i pissed off who always gets pissed off, i still
feel terrible. rationalizing i know solves nothing. it's
very temporary. lasts a few seconds, then my subconscious
kicks in again.

holy crap i spelled nietzche right... wait, almost,
nietzsche... anyway, found a quote ive been meaning to confirm

The thought of suicide is a powerful solace: by means of it
one gets through many a bad night.

i love that quote. just thinking about suicide diminishes
all your stress and anxiety. of course, i've cast off
suicide as an impossibility for myself a long time ago, but
fantasizing about it helps dwarf any pain. i go to bed much
easier thinking about it. it's so liberating, makes me feel
so free.

hate to leave it on that note, but its almost 6am, and i
need some sleep. my mind's finally slowed down enough to
sleep without too many piercing thoughts.