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2006-01-19 20:14:11 (UTC)

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It all starts to make sense... You get low enough and you
understand why people do drugs.. Or why people cut
themselves. The last one particullarly. I am not saying I
have any desire to do so... But I am starting to understand
it more.
One reason is because when a person is really disapointed in
themselve it is a way to punish themselves. Punish isn't
exactly a good word though... More or less to take built up
anger out. You get mad enough you hold a knife to your wrist
and you slash.. Lets out quite a bit.
Anoter reason is to keep yourself in line. This one is a
little bit more of a punishment.You don't want to do
something again so in order to not to it you give yourself
hell for a little bit.
A third reason is to give yourself a little bit of hell. By
giving yourself true pain it makes everything else seem so
easy... So plesent.

I am not saying I have any desire to go and cut myself
because I know that comes with more problems.. I don't want
them. I have just been trying to figure out why and how for
a long time, and I think I am very close if not right on the

Last night I failed myself agian. I had to play piano with
people singing to me. I could play the songs almost
flawlessly at home, but in front of people I always fail,
and I always get ticked off that I always fail.
My mom just yelled at me... Like really yelled. Then she
stomped around and was pretty much throwing things. Telling
me how she is tired of my rude facial expressions.
I don't really believe people anymore when they tell me that
they love me. It just seems to hard to believe. My heart is
slowly turning into stone.
Latley I have been progressing all over the place, violin,
and school mainly. But yet....
Maybe I just need to get more sleep.
Nothing I do is ever good enough for my parents anymore. I
get yelled at for everything. Every time I am in the
presense of both of them they are fighting.
My moms battles against me and my dad are really starting to
take a toll on her. She is already extremly emotional...
EXTREAMLY. You have to be so so so careful what you say to
her. Then the important thing you have to repeat over and
over and over because she forgets things.
I swear my parents speak a different language to eachother
because they can't talk to eachother. I am constantly having
to transalate.. But I don't spend much time with them
anymore. They don't even know me.. But what they do say
about me is only negitive things... Or if they say I am
smart it is usually in a bad way.
Everything just kinda sucks right now.
I want to have more faith in the church... But I am having a
really hard time with that right now. A lot seems so far
fetched. I dont know why this is happening now... I want to
be like I was on trek... I didn't have faith. I didn't have
hope. I knew... I was 200% sure that the church was true.
There is so much leading to its truth.. But I don't know
what my problem is.
Jonny is my ray of sunshine. He is what I look 2 2 smile
right now, bc he is the only one that can and does try to
make me smile. However... Him saving me means i love him.
And I do. I really do. In fact I am quite crazy about him.
Last time I feel in love it turned out to **** when I found
out that the person didn't care for me in the same way. Or
knowing that the ones you love are struggling so much.
Knowing that what Jonny says and has done with me in the
past has been inconsistant makes me slightly suspicous of
his motives.. I know stupid right...? However there is
always a little suspicous part of me. He promised to honest
with me.. but if He turned out to be a Mike... And had
everything stacked so carefully.. This is why I am
cautious.. Just because I have seen it all done before.
Jonny and I have had very few real conversations. Idk if he
knows what a real conversation is, and i don't know how to
inicate one with him. He is so fun loving, part of my
defination of fun though is thinking fun. I get a certain
pleasure from thinking apparently. Judging by the fact that
I have been doing puzzles since b4 I can remember.. but yet
he has 2 apparently. It is fun though to have him, a fun
loving person. I used to be like that. But apparently I have
become more serious in my old age.
I have 3 papers to write tonight. I will get them done.. But
I am not looking forward to them. I am hungry for my after
school snack.. NOw the ?... 2 eat or not 2 eat?

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