U think u know, but u have no Idea
2006-01-17 23:00:25 (UTC)


i have a new boy. and he is everything patrick isnt. When
pat left me for college in early september, i was
heartbroken.i just wanted to stay home and cry and never go
out.pat came home the first two weekends of september becuz
he knew i wasnt dealing with him being gone (and he was
being a shitty night he got too drunk to
remember my birthday) so we went to a party thrown by my
friend from HB.i hadnt seen many of those ppl in
months/years and it was good to catch up. me, pat and
rashid went, but pat was being an asshole (as he had been
lately) so i was off talking to other ppl. i saw my friend
pete and ended up talking to him for a while,but dont
really remember much of the convo. apparently i met his
best friend charlie (dont remember this either). and the
next day when i was chilling with pete he casually brought
charlie up. he was like oh yeah, my friend thought u were
really hot. and i was like, what friend, and he was like
charlie, and iwas like ummm dont remember that. he was like
oh, well he's like 6'4 with long blonde hair and i was like
i still dont remember him, but i agreed to chill with him
next weekend. so the next weekend pete set up a sorta blind
date (for me,lol). i didndt think anything would come of
this,i just thought hey, i've been at home in depression
for 3 weeks now, i should go out without pat (for once). so
we get to the party, and pete tells me later that charlie
is on his way, and he told me to wait for him in the
parking lot (of the church where everyone had parked for
the party). long story short,a fucking god emerges. like by
far the hottest guy i cannot descibe how hot
charlie is.he is worshipped by every private school girl in
the cleveland area...and for good reason. but the thing is,
he's not a player, and he's never been interested in girls,
he's just really girls thought he was asexual
becuz they would throw themselves at him and he would flat
out deny them. so anyways him and i start talking, he asks
me to his homecoming, we start having sex and almost 5
months later we're still messing around like this. but
there is good reason we're not dating. like there has been
so much drama. for about half a month i got back with pat
and he started talking to this other girl (WHO IS
DISGUSTING!) but when i got over pat and called charlie he
was eager to get back with me, so i guess we're
unofficially we both admitted we would be
really upset if the other one hooked up with someone else.
which is why we're having problems now...but this stems
from even further back.
OK, where the trouble started: friday before christmas at a
party,(like the week we got back together) we go to a
party, i finally act like his girlfriend and sit on his lap
and shit (normally i ignor him, flirt with his friends,
talk about a bitch)i get really stoned and on the
car ride home i confess my love to him. he honestly had no
idea it was coming. he genuinely beleived i wasnt
interested seriously and that he was just ass.but anyway, i
went on and on, almost in tears, about how much a secretly
cared about him and liked him, and hated my self for it
becuz i wanst supposed to like him or get involved. and the
whole time he was COMPLETELY SILENT! (but he did start
holding my hand) but it was really bad becuz i started
talking shit about the girl he was tlaking to while i was
back with pat (but in a petty immature way), and told him
how all my frinds tell me he's bad news and he doesnt
deserve me and he is an asshole (he is like most US boys:
apathetic,immature and horribly shallow).
so this goes on for about 20 min until finally we get to my
house, and i say i dont want to go home (its 1:15...15 min
past both our curfews)he says lets go talk in a parking
lot. i *naively think maybe he'll tell me how he really
feels and ask me out! so we get there and i babble some
more, and i ask him what he has to say about all this, and
he just replys...i'm thinking,but u know how i feel. ok
problem is I DONT, he acts like he likes me, but cant tell
me how he i get in the back seat to stretch out
(alone) and continue talking. he gets in the back seat too,
but i immediately say, WE ARE NOT HOOKING UP IF U CANT TELL
ME HOW U FEEL! so then the Iron and Wine version of such
great heights (from garden state soundtrack) comes on his
ipod and he leans in and kisses me. i tell him stop and
start to cry a little.(note: this isnt like stop, dont rape
me, its stop (but really dont stop))he tells me its ok and
says that i should know how he feels about me. so this mini
battle goes on for about 5 minutes. but the music is too
cute and his smell is too amazing (i forgot to tell u that
he smells fucking AMAZING, and its not even a cologne smell
or deoderant, its like a mix between clean laundry and
soap. he has the most amazing hair that always falls in my
eyes when he kisses me and his hair smells amazing too and
its soo soft, and there's like a curtan of blonde
amazingness on my eyes as he kisses me with his gorgeous
pouty lips and fast forward 5 min, we're having sex (ugh in
the back of his car though, i know so gross) so we have
sex...twice and he is so good and affectionate and i forget
that i'm mad at him (for not telling me he wants to be with
me)and when reality hits me, i'm stoned in my family room
at 2:30 in the morning explaining how i left my cell in his
car and why i'm so late for curfew.
fast forard to new years: he's in ellicotville with his
family and i'm at a party. still pissed off about the week
before i allow his friend to kiss me, but not just kiss me,
his friend throws me down on the couch and starts making
out with me. i allow this only becuz i'm angry at him, not
thinking of the reprecutions.we roll around on the couch
for 10-15 min, messing around (my friend who is so drunk he
can barely stand actually interupts us to ask me "WHAT
fast foward a week: charlie is extremely upset with me and
wont answer my calls. doesnt go out that weekend.i talk to
his friends, they tell me he'll get over it and give him
some time. if anything this is good becuz it proves...he
actually does care about me
fast forwar to last friday:i'm out to dinner with two of
his close friends. one of them calls him from my phone.
charlie gets weird and asks kendrick (the kid i was out to
dinner with) if we're at a party and why he's calling
charlie from my phone.kendrick tells me charlie was a
little pissed about this. so here i am, tonight, trying to
figure out what the hell this kid wants.
i think he's karma.i had the nicest best boyfriend in the
universe (pre-college) and i treated pat like shit, taking
him for granted. now i am in pats same situation, being
taking for granted and manipulated by charlie. i know all
the games charlies playing (and i'm playing just as many
too, i cant deny it) but i just wish we could get over all
this and just be together.i know he likes me (his best
friend got REALLY drunk new years and confessed charlie's
love for me (for charlie,since he was absent at the
festivities,lol) i really wish charlie would just tell me
the truth though. face to face.i can tell by the way he
looks at me and watches me at parties. i dont know what to
do with him,i just know that i want him to be mine.