The Laughter Inside My Mind
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2006-01-09 09:45:23 (UTC)

Here its is 3:27 a.m and i can't sleep,what's wrong with this picture?

This weekend was hell,not only with my diet,but with my
boys,i feel so guilty(not about the diet part)but the mean
things i said to my 12 year old son,the look on his face
killed me,at the time i didn't regret it(some mother i am
eh?)but the more i think about what hapopened,the worse i
feel,tomorrow when he gets home from school,we need to sit
down and talk about it,i NEED to let him know i didn't mean
those horrible things i said...i think i need to up my med
dosage(i know that i shouldn't use that as an excuse,but
since i haven't been taking them as much my temper is
coming back)i also think i need to get all of us into some
family counseling,i think my childen hate me,only like me
when i get them things,they never say i love you mom unless
i get them stuff,and i know kids will be kids,but sometimes
it hurts...i always say i love you,even when i'm mad(except
for tonight)what's wrong with me? i shouldnt vent on my
children like i do,the looks that my 14 year old give
me,boy oh boy if looks could kill i would have been dead a
long time ago...hmmm,maybe they do love me,i'm not going to
drive myself crazy with this tonight,we will chat about it
all tomorrow...plz,i pray to GOD,let tomorrow be
different..I talked to a friend that i haven't spoken with
for months,she is the main reason me and my ex husband got
together and that's what we talked about,how she thought he
really loved me,we'll so did i,and she said if he came back
he'd need to be a totally changed man,well if it were
months ago i would have taken him back,but not now,i've
come too far with my emotional state to let him back in my
life,i miss him at times(crazy i know)but not like i used
to and i don't hate him anymore,i wish the best for him
actually and i hope he finds inner peace(he's far from that)
i went out friday night with a friend and stayed out for
apprx 4 hours,not too bad cos i was home a little bit b4
1230,but i got smashed and ate a lean cuisine(i cheated
because i ate past 8pm)but other than that night of eating
later than i should have i have kept to my diet,it will be
offically a week that i have been on it..the longest i've
been on,terrible eh?this week i start the
ymca with my friend(time to get in that exercise mode)oh
the sore muscles i'm looking forward too..NOTTTT..oh well
that all comes with i said,i'm not looking to
lose tonz of weight,but just enough to where my flab on my
arm stops moving when i stop waving crazy i know i
am but ya gotta love me..woohoo finally snowed,first time
since before christmas..hey if ya live in wisconsin ya
gotta like the snow,it makes good snow angels..oh well,ok
its is 347 am and i'm still not tired so i'm going to end
this and go hop into a nice hot shower;maybe that will
help..i'll keep ya updated on my wonderful struggle with my
diet and i will let ya know how the family talk goes

much love