it seems that every time i go out on a menial errand my life
is unduly threatened. maybe its because i live in a
horrible area, or maybe it's because the grocery store i go
to is filed with 90% crack heads. see where i go to get
grocerys i am the only white person. i kind of like to see
how different cultures shop, so let me give you a few tidbits:
mexicans apparently hold all herbs up to their faces, crush
them into their faces and inhale like its crack...mmmmm!
black people yell outloud if there is anything price over
$2. no joke, i heard about 52 exclamations of,
"$3.99? $3.99! it's muh-fuckin' fruit. how's it gonna be
$3.99, and i don't want 7 o' dem. i want one. dey don't
sell jus one?"
so i go through the aisles which all are apparently occupied
with women who are just shitting out kids. no joke, i think
each mother had about 3 to 4 kids that were just screaming
their heads off, tearing shit off the aisles and just
generally getting into shit.
now i don't want to jump to conclusions but i rarely see
white people hit their children anymore, minorities? well
let's just say it was like fucking 'whack-a-mole' mother's
were dishing out left hooks like mike tyson, which only
added to the screaming.
in the baking aisle i ran into an astounding sight, a white
woman with one child that was quietly sitting in the cart
playing with his action figure. she apparently was eastern
european and looked about as cautiously terrified as i must
have looked. i felt really badly for her as i could just
imagine her coming from a small lithuanian town where she
knew the language and everything was quaint. it was further
confirmed when i heard her speaking hungarian to her son.
so i passed her and finally finished my list.
now the registers are a hoot and a hollah. two were open (1
was the express lane). everyone crammed into the express
lane with about 50 items a piece shouting at each other that
they had too many items. i avoided hte hassle and went into
the pretty swiftly moving regular lane. it was being driven
by one of those no-nonsense black women. the kind that way
about 300 lbs have glasses on, squint at everything that is
put infront of them and just rule their immediate
environment with an authoritative presence that i wish some
leaders could muster.
she moved shit along with the quickness and soon i was up.
she scanned it looked at me,
"what a gentleman."
she scanned some stuff and commented on it.
"white onions, two and a half pounds of potatoes, makin' a
good ole' fashioned tater salad?"
"yep, deviled potato salad."
at this point there was a loud,
"ahem" from the back of the line. the lady (whose name was,
fittingly, gloria, for she was truly glorious) gave a glare
that seemed to end any hustling from behind.
"you know i dont get too many people heah that actually like
to talk. they all just want to pass on by....and to be
honest", at this she glanced around, "i don't mind that too
much. most people that come heah are a bunch ah
knuckleheads, always buyin' one or two items."
that really seemed to bother her. for some reason buying
anything less than 5 items seemed to bother her (good thing
i had about 20).
"all right honey, heah you go. you have a nice night now
and let me know if the tater salad turns out good."
with this i pranced outside in the dark cold night both
hands completely wayed down by bags. i was so oblivious
that i didn't even notice it till it was too late,
"YOU NEED TO GET ME OUTTA HERE!"
i swear to god i almost shrieked like a school girl. out of
the shadows had come this completely emaciated,
dirt-covered, woman with hair that was standing straight out
from her head, holding two bags which seemed to have toilet
paper in them and smelled like shit.
"I GOTTA GO MAN. I'M ONLY ASKIN' A SMALL FAVUH. PLEASE YOU
GOTTA GIVE ME A RIDE. IF I DON'T LEAVE HERE I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'M GOING TO DO."
i quickly started trotting to my car with her hot on my tail
babbling non-sensical crackheaded gibberish something that
had a lot to do with cats and sandpaper. i finally got to
my car ("this is the last time i'm going to park so fucking
far away" i remember thinking to myself) when a horrible
realization hit me.
if i unlock the doors, what's to keep her from just jumping
in? i mean i have to put the groceries down. then i did
what has always been a time-tested strategy to employ
against crazy people, homeless people, and registered
republicans seeking my vote: i growled at her.
it had the intended effect, she actually stopped gibbering
and stared at me, and i looked at her with as much hatred as
i could muster. she took the hint and turned away. i threw
my shit into the car and was about to jettison, when i
notice a travesty.
the crackheaded was steering directly towards the eastern
european woman and her kids (who seemingly was as oblivious
as i was about her impending fate). then i decided i would
do my one good deed for 2006. instead of just high-tailing
it up out of there, i got out of the car and walked towards
the mother and child.
by this time the crackhead had already started and the
mother had already pulled her son out of the cart and backed
away. she was standing infront of what seemed to be her
mini-van shaking her head vigorously. i passed the shit
smell again and was behind the crackhead. the woman looked
at me and i said the only thing i could think of,
"segit drogeria?" i pointed at the groceries and then the
mini-van. what i hope i said was, "help, groceries?" and
apparently i said something that resembled that, because she
eagerly nodded her head and i had to turn to the crackhead
she stared at me what seemed to be confusion a certain "do i
know you, i believe we've met?" and the she went babblign away.
i helped the mother load her car and she started just
streaming out hungarian.
i told her i didn't speak it really, just that i was from
austria and had a hungarian friend, who tried to teach me some.
she smiled and nodded, "vehy nhice. thank you!"
good deed done. good deed done.