muse

void deck
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2006-01-06 05:52:41 (UTC)

i'm sorry, heart...

my heart is breaking. i'm so disappointed with him. it's not
because i have high expectations of him... i expect very
little of him. i just hope that he will call me on my
birthday. to say "happy birthday, fan". even if it lasts for
only 5 secs or less. an on-time email will even do the job.
but i get none of them.

i need to vent my disappointment and anger here. i have no
one to talk to about these feelings. and it really hurts to
keep them inside.

i cannot believe my own ears or eyes when i realised that he
did not say happy birthday to me at all. i cannot take it. i
almost sacrifice my whole day to wait for his phone call. i
can tell you it was the worst birthday i have ever had in my
whole 22 years of life.

i thought we were close friends. i thought at least he would
make an effort to give me a birthday wish on time.

the birthday email came 4 days too late. a short 4 line
message. in the JUNK mail. ironic.

and now that he is back in singapore, he has not even talked
to me in person or online at all. i could not believe my own
eyes. how can he be so heartless.

and what anger me the most is the realisation that i would
forgive him so easily if he talk to me. even if he does not
apologise. how silly of me. how very useless of me.

i have never been this heart broken before. he is so cruel.
he knows he has the power, complete power to my heart. he
grabbed it and tore them to pieces, put the pieces back
together, nourished it and then ripped it apart again. and
the cycle goes on and on. each time with increasing
intensity. each time it hurts even more.

even now, tears cant stop falling everytime i think of how
much he has hurt me. as i look at his bass that he left in
my room, tears will roll down my cheeks. i want to throw it
out of the window but i know i would never do that.

my heart is bleeding and the pain is excruciating. the
gaping wound calls for healing. yet i have no power to heal
it... i can only make the pain worsen. simply because my
mind is weak... i couldn't bring myself to hate him.

how useless...


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