Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2006-01-04 08:09:37 (UTC)

Memoirs And Nine Machine Messages

It's 0104, Wednesday. 207am. No change in weather.

We saw Memoirs of a Geisha on Monday. It was ... alright.
Normally, I have a fifty-fifty chance of agreeing with
movie critics on various movies, with a slight skew of me
favouring sci-fi movies more. But, this time around, I had
to agree with the critics. The movie wasn't terribly deep.

In retrospect, I kind of wonder if maybe that's the fault
of the book or the fault of the director. Lisa and I were
arguing about it in the food court. That, an American
director couldn't really get right something like Memoirs
of a Geisha, which was suppose to be about an aspect of
Japanese culture.

But, either way, I didn't really enjoy the movie. Movies
are suppose to be entertaining, and this one wasn't
terribly entertaining. It was kind of ... long. Drawn out.

Memoirs was the least of my worries though.

All during the weekend, I had let myself mull over things,
actions, and other such interactions between Katie and I,
and I began to grow insecure in how she felt for me. She
thought it was because she hadn't called me on Monday or
over the weekend. But, it wasn't exactly that. Sure, not
calling on Monday was painful, but I know we don't
normally talk over the weekend. It wasn't just that. I
couldn't bear to tell her it was because if she loved me
like she said she did ... why didn't she talk about me so
much in her journal?

She said she bragged about me to her friends at work, but
when I read her journal they didn't seem to reflect the
bragging.

Left to mull some more, I began thinking about how she
talked so happily and lively about the one other
individual she met prior to me. She seemed ... so happy.
She seemed ... so upset when he was out of her life. Is he
even out of her life now, still? I sort of wonder.

But, that sort of ... enthusiasm, I was jealous for. I
wanted for myself, yet she couldn't seem to give it to me
and it left me frustrated.

Monday, was the boiling point. She was suppose to call at
1000am, but she never did. I laid in bed, waiting for the
phone to ring but it never rang. I got up and left her a
voice mail while Lisa showered. I went online, and found
she had updated her journal. So I checked on AIM, and
there she was. I was livid. At the same time, I couldn't
really talk because I had to go soon. So I made some angry
remarks, and logged off. I went back and made some more
angry remarks, because she didn't seem to be the least bit
fazed.

Finally, I had to go. So I asked her to write to me, even
though I had already told her not to talk to me
anymore ... That's just how I am. When I push, it just
means I really want to be pulled back. It's a
contradiction, I know. It's how I am. I push because, I
really want to be pulled back.

Anyway, back to the story.

Katie, on the other hand, thought I'd be home. So when I
left, and she listened to the voice mail ... she started
calling me. All day. Leaving messages, and trying to get
me to talk to her. She thought I was ignoring her, because
I was so mad. It stabbed me in the heart to hear her like
that. To think I was ignoring her, when I wasn't. I just
wanted to hold her so badly, yell out that she was wrong,
I wasn't home. That I did love her, and that I wasn't
answering not because I wanted to end us ... but because I
was watching a lackluster, stereotypically ambiguous movie
25 miles away.

Lisa, on the other hand, was there to listen as well. She
was not the least bit amused, and for a second I thought
of just telling her everything. It was easy enough. I had
everything there. Why didn't I? Lisa was upset, and she
didn't believe me at first. But, I managed to convince
her. It was made a little easier, by the fact, that on New
Year's morning, we got the weirdest phone call by a
prankster. So, of course, it was easy to try to somehow
tie that in with the 9 messages we got on the machine from
Katie. That, it was probably the same prankster.

That night, I fully intended to let everything go. To tell
Lisa that I didn't love her anymore. That, I would be
moving out soon. I thought about, how I could try to
convince her to keep me as a roommate, but barring that I
had a makeshift backup plan in the case that I should have
to leave suddenly. I already picked out, in my mind, the
most bare and necessary things I needed to leave the house
with. Various documents, and papers. The blanket that
Katie made for us. The drawings. My lugguage, of course.

Tuesday morning came, and I called Katie at work. I wasn't
sure what to expect. Was Katie mad that I never called
back? Did she loathe to talk to me now? Were we over?

She picked up the phone, and I responded, "Before you hang
up on me, I just wanted to ask you ... did you mean what
you said on the answering machine? Are we really over?"

She asked me where I had been, and I told her I wasn't
home when she left all those messages. I hadn't gotten
home till an hour after the last one. She told me she
didn't mean what she had said, and I told her I love her.

She told me she was busy, and so we got off the phone and
went on lonelymud.

I was still feeling insecure, though. So for a brief part
of the morning we fought a bit, about who loved who. She
wrote about how she thought maybe it'd be better to be
single. It stung. She told me later that's not what she
wanted. Sometimes, I wonder though. If, maybe, I should
just let go. It's not what I want though. I want her to
keep me, and I want to keep her.

I am needy, yes. Very. Even though I hate being that way,
I still do it. It's not something I can control. But it's
something I can work on. It's only going to get worse,
too. I know so. She's going to have alot less work, and
things are just going to be that much more pinched and
rare for us. For months.

I think I understand why she said what she said. About,
how it might be easier if she was single. Maybe it's not
so much that she wanted to be single, but more that she
wished she wasn't so stressed.

She wrote about how I deserved someone else to be more
there for me ... It's funny, because, we were talking on
the phone about how maybe I should start seeing someone on
the side for more physical intimacy. Because, obviously,
the distance between us prevents that from happening. Lisa
and I don't have much of a sex life. Katie, obviously
does. So I was telling Katie that since she and I aren't
together, that I should sleep with someone to satisfy my
needs.

I wasn't totally serious. It was more of a, "if you get to
have what you have, then so can I, right?" a joking,
badgering kind of thing. She told me it wasn't her fault
that Lisa and I had problems. I responded that it wasn't
my fault either, and it wasn't fair I had to suffer.

She didn't think it was so funny. "Ok, but when we're
together you can't do that anymore. Not after we're
together!" The little teasing didn't seem so little
anymore. Nor did it seem so humorous.

I promised her I wouldn't do that to her. She asked me why
I said it in the first place. I told her I was only
teasing.

... Comforting her later was hard. I use to ponder no-win
scenarios when I was younger. How do you win someting
thats not winnable? I use to think that they happened in
rare or bizarre circumstances. But, it seems they're a
little common than I enjoy seeing when Katie's stressed.

I tried to comfort her about her problems, but she still
seemed non-plussed. "Always an answer for everything." She
told me. It stung to hear that, but I suppose after the
whole, "I get to have a girl on the side to fuck" I guess
I deserved as much ...

She's right about something though. When I feel insecure,
I begin to want constant reassurance. It never use to be
this way before. But that's probably because we'd talk so
much during the Summer, email each other constantly, and
was generally very in touch. So much so that when fall
came and went, I wasn't terribly bothered when there'd be
communication gaps.

Not something I'm proud of. Just, something I have to work
on. It'd probably help if I made more friends. I'm trying
as much. I met someone on myspace, and we've been talking
a bit. She happens to go to my University as well. She's a
bit ... strange, though. But I suppose that's because
she's a geeky kind of girl.

I'm hoping building up the list of people I talk to will
help. We'll see.

Katie and I made plans to see each other on Friday. It's
as much for me as it is for her. I get to see her, hold
her, and just ... be there with her. I've missed her ever
since December 24th. While, she gets her massages and all
comforts and reassurances that a boyfriend can hope to
give to his girlfriend. She's stressed, and I realize
my ... attitude earlier in the morning didn't help things
one bit.

I'm hoping this Friday, I'll be able to heal a little
more. While, at the same time, she'll be able to feel more
relaxed and stress free. Basically, I'm hoping for the
visit to be a win-win.




Ad: