Jammes14

Mercury
2005-12-30 10:23:09 (UTC)

aftermath

zoloft didn't do it for me. killed my sex drive, but that
was about it. it was pretty difficult scientifically
comparing my life with zoloft and my life without, since so
much depends on my environment and what happens to me. but
ive noticed that i still regret just as much as i would have
without it. after i started taking normal doses, i would
occassionally get a craving or hunger for them, similiar to
my cigarette/smoke cravings. then i realized it was all in
my head, it was more like a distraction, a fantasy. it
didn't do what i had dreamed it would.

so i quit, partially out of frustration and forgetfulness.
it wasn't really cold turkey, as i forget a few days before
i finally called it quits. afterwards, i felt pretty good, i
went through my 'acceptance' stage again. that always feels
refreshing. now im back to where i was. still not sure what
to tell my doctor, im tempted to just lie and say im doing
better so i won't bother her anymore. i know that she won't
be able to help me anymore. i felt like that place just
pushed me around, wait in line, go through a quick mental
health checklist and wait in line for pills. it left me
feeling really violated and used. i dont think its worth it
anymore.

so, what's next. i still don't feel any motivation to
socialize, zoloft didn't change that at all, i think it made
me even lazier. i expected something more significant after
about 2 or 3 months, but i guess it wasn't what i was
looking for. booze, on the other hand, helped me greatly,
which was exactly what ive been looking for this whole time.
i wanted the equivalent of alchohol: lowering of
inhibitions, increased attraction to others, and, of course,
loss of memory. any combination of those effects would have
been exactly what i needed. i bring this up because i got
buzzed for the first time at a party a few days ago. took 5
beers and a shot of vodka to notice a significant effect. at
first, it just made me tired and a little off-balance, but a
few hours into it, i could really feel my brain relax and
felt much more at ease at the crowded party. i was worried
at first, after the first 2 or so beers i noted to myself (i
really wish i had brought a notepad to jot down personal
observations) that it was only affecting me physically, not
mentally, which would have really disappointed me. but
thankfully, i noticed i could carry on a stimulating
conversation without any fear, approach people without
nervousness, etc. still, it'll be a year and a half before i
can get a sustainable supply of alchohol. until then, ill
probably have to enter the belly of the beast, the typical
college crowded parties, to get the treasure of temporary
escape. hopefully with time, ill be able to emulate the
results i got when drunk to feel when sober. not sure how/if
that will work, but i need to take more gambles.

after this whole experience, ive noted some key points to my
disorder. first, experience is the most useful remedy to
fear. in the beginning, i was unable to write in a journal,
due to my intense self-hatred and shame. after forcing
myself not to hit delete as i typed, i was able to finally
get something down and eventually able to write much more
freely. secondly, i have pretty much no motivation for
socialization. i feel i could go for weeks, maybe months,
without talking or even communicating with anyone. its just
not a need that my brain has. i prefer being alone, in fact,
im training myself to revert my system back to the crazy
sleeping pattern i had when xmas break first started:
sleeping around 10am, waking up around 6pm. because i'd be
alone. 220 right now, ill try staying up for an hour or so
more, then push myself some more next night.

well, it was good to finally write something. i noticed i
didn't write anything for the whole duration of my zoloft
era. perhaps another reason to quit. but hey, i gave it a
shot, took a lot of determination to try pills. but as i
expected, salvation will not come in a pill form.