The Nine Faces of Dave
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2005-12-28 08:14:52 (UTC)

no dice

I got the news less than three hours ago when I checked my
e-mail. Google says no. We'll return to our top story in a
minute, right after the standard post-holiday update.

Christmas was good. My parents got me some stuff I really
need, and probably never would have thought about until a
crisis came down the pike. The new suitcase is going to be
really awesome; finally I can travel with my sportcoat and
not have to wear it the whole time.

Back to the job story.

I'm disappointed, of course. I thought things had gone very
well, but I suppose they didn't go well enough. This marks
a pretty significant directional shift in my life, as it now
looks as though my destiny for the next year or so lies in
New Hampshire. That is assuming, of course, that the offer
still stands, given that the deadline has passed. We shall
see what happens with that.

I'm probably more disappointed than I care to admit, though
I'm not sure of the exact reasons why. When I was there, it
felt like a pretty good place. It seemed like the sort of
place I'd like to work, and Manhattan felt like the sort of
place where I could live and really enjoy myself. Now, that
said, it was definitely not consistent with prior experience
and the sort of things that tend to happen to me.

Perhaps it would be best to say that it felt like the sort
of place I would want to be, and could probably thrive, but
would never end up. My life has been more consistent with
ending up in a place like New Hampshire, for better or for
worse. It may not be what I want, or at least what I think
I want, but it's what happens. So be it.

I suppose I probably attached too much to this potential
job, though I'm not sure it was entirely unwarranted. The
whole thing was so different from what usually comes my way,
and seemed so promising. It was as though my big break had
finally arrived, and if I got the job, everything would be
different from that point on. This was opportunity knocking
on my door with a fistful of hundred dollar bills.

And in the end, it didn't work out.

It leaves a lot of lingering questions. Where did I go
wrong? Did I even go wrong, or was this pretty much beyond
my control? Could things have come out differently? It's a
major disappointment, to say the least.

Now I'm no stranger to disappointment. I would never say
that I can't catch a break, because I've caught plenty in my
time, and generally put them to good use. But it does seem
like the only breaks I catch are the ones somebody else
didn't want. Sure, I did get a job, and I've been gambling
(possibly foolishly) on the possibility of getting a job
with Google. But the job I managed to get is with a defense
contractor in New Hampshire, in a city that's smaller than
the one where I grew up.

I suppose it would be different if my personal situation
were different. If I were married or in a relationship, or
substantially older, or if I knew a bunch of people in New
Hampshire, then sure, it would be a logical choice. But I'm
21 years old, single, and I know a grand total of one person
from New Hampshire, and he lives in the city where we went
to college back in upstate New York.

Obviously, if this misgivings about the other job and the
other city were that substantial, I would have turned it
down right off the bat. I'm sure New Hampshire is a fine
place to live, and it's certainly cheaper than Manhattan (or
for that matter, just about any of New York City). Still, I
can't really shake the sense that I'll end up spending most
of my spare time doing the same shit I do now: working out,
reading, watching TV, and playing games.

So here's my plan: if the offer still stands, I'll take it,
and try it out. If it's good, then it's good, and I made a
wise decision. Should it turn out to suck, then I'll get
the hell out as soon as possible. If my decision comes at
the right time, I'll go to grad school, and if not, I'll
find a new job and then leave. It's better to do that sort
of thing now when I have the freedom and flexibility to do
so, and not wait until I'm 35, married, and have two kids to
realize that I hate my existence.

There it is, then. There's the plan for the next year of my
life, give or take a few months. Interesting to see it all
summed up in one paragraph.

So, until any new developments change my course...

This is Dave, signing off.