Unseen Scars..
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2005-12-27 00:32:34 (UTC)

dazed and confused..

Ok.. i need to get this down because its annoying me.. this
time last year i had a girlfriend, well.. we ended around
january, the last time i spoke to her was valentines day..
i remember it well.. we were only together about 5 months,
but my god it was an awesome 5 months! she just seemed to
mesmerise me and i loved everything about her.. but her mum
ended up getting involved, didn't want us together and we
broke up.. harsh. i'm not sure how i handled it.. i just
kind of blocked it out for a bit, and carried on with life
until i didn't think about her as much anymore..

and before you knew it, it was april.. when i met Ella, a
very welcome distraction from the ex.. and still by far the
most beautiful girl i've ever seen! we talked, got on
famously, laughed alot.. got closer, txted and talked
nonestop, feelings arised.. etc. with her everything got
quite intense very quickly.. infact in a mere 2 months..
but then suddenly for some reason, which i still can't work
out.. we stopped talking.. just like that.

So why am i bringing this up now you ask? well for some
reason both of them are playing heavily on my mind at the
moment.. today on msn for example i found an email archived
from ex number one and it flashed to show me she was
online, although she's no longer in my contacts it told
me.. and at that second all i had to do was press one lousy
button and we could've been talking again.. i wanted to say
hey, and it was so bloody hard not to! but i mean what
would i say anyway, 'i know i haven't spoken to you for
nearlly a year but hey how are you?!' hardly seems right
does it..

Similar thing with Ella happened the other day.. after
getting a new phone i transfered my numbers and hers
appears with a photo of her, taken back then.. at that
second i could've called her, sent her a nice txt. i wanted
to so much..

thing is.. why exactly?! why do i want to to get in touch
with people who are quite clearly in my past? why am i
thinking about them?! a friend said maybe i was feeling
lonely, wanting to reminise on happier times when i felt
wanted and loved.. but the thing is, i'm involved with
someone at the moment.. and we're supposedly happier than
ever and crazily in love.. i say supposedly because i'm in
a cynical mood tonight, and i'm feeling like i'm not sure
we're going to work out.. she's great and all and beatuiful
and sweet and any other night i'd tell you how perfect she
is for me.. but its complicated and i'm not sure i trust
her around other girls... but either way she's my life at
the moment so why do i give a damn about these 2 ex's?
especially when i'd rather poke my eyes out with sticks
than talk to any other of my ex's? oh i do believe i'm

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