My Heart's words...
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2005-12-26 16:27:17 (UTC)

xmas 05

This years xmas was cool. Its different to how it used to
be when i was younger but i guess you have to grow up at
some point. For my dad we got his old camcorder tapes that
were unplayable transfered to dvd- it was a rly cool
present, but i didnt know how much it would hurt me...
Me and helen were watching one of the dvds late last night
and i have never laughed so much in all my life, things
were so different back then! But, when we reached the end
of the dvd something came up that i dont think was meant to
be taped all those years ago. The camera was pointed at the
floor and i could hear myself as a 5 year old girl speaking
to my mum about the camera because my brother had pressed a
button, obvious to me now it was the record button, but my
mum was trying to fix it. I was trying to help and then my
mum yelled 'just get the fuck away from me'
' but mummy'
'get the fuck away your dads going to go fucking
spare' then the tape stopped.
I always knew that my mum didnt want children, but it was
never apparent how much so. The whoole way through the dvd
i kept noticing how my mum never smiled and was never
happy. Now i know why, it made me really upset last night
because watching the dvd made me remember so many happy
times and i saw so many old relatives that sadly arent with
us anymore, and it made me miss them and the life i used to
have. Maybe its stupid me writing about it because it was
the past and we are in the present, but it just makes a lot
of things make sense and i wonder if my mum ever got out of
the state of depression.
Anyway, happy xmas and i hope you have a great new year...

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