Jack's Twisted Kingdom
so my old, old roommate from about 10 years
ago, just had his 3rd child.. he's about 39
or so, which puts him about 10 years older
than I am right now..
I find it strange that I am not in a place
where I want to be.. physically, geographicly,
nor mentally or spiritually... which while is
nothing particularly new.. often lends me to
thinking about the future..
Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero....
(Seize the day, trust as little as possible in tomorrow)
I keep hearing those words tumble around in
my brain, and I want to do is smash the walls
with my fists until I've bloodied them into
It's Christmas.. it doesn't mean alot to me,
not really anyways.. my grandpapa usually sends
me a check for $200, and my mom sends me stuff
I'll never use in a million years.. this year
I did buy myself a decent pair of steel toed
boots, some books which I might not read, but
will undoubtedly sit on my shelf anyways...
I kind of like living where I am.. which disturbs
me to no end. It's really quite nice, peaceful..
but I'm loathe to remain here for fear I might be
trapped moreso than I am already...
I am so torn between what I want to do, and what
I can do, and well.. everything else.. I seem to
get ahead, briefly, for moments, and then for
whatever reason I fall down again..
I'd like somoeone to help me up, but I really can
only rely on myself.. theres no else who really
can, or is willing to do so.. not here anyways..
I seem to constantly keep people at arms reach, and
sometimes further, whether this is because I don't
believe they can handle me, the real me anyways, or
that I might at a moments notice, take off elsewhere
and thusly, leave them in lurch..
fuck settling down... its not that.. hell, I stayed
in winnipeg for another 3 years because of kristen..
even though I wanted to move.. I left edmonton because
I had no one really there either to whom I could relate
to on any level.. well, except tom and chris, but,
well.. I was alone...
I keep wondering if the reason I keep moving is because
I'm searching for that one special person who'll hold
me down, ground me, yet help me grow.. I'm a 30 year old
boy.. I'll always be young at heart, I'm not a serious
person, except when I'm alone, and then I'm an
introspective, brooding loner who demands an amount of
space that few monks would prefer high atop a mountain...
this year, I moved once, stayed in the same city too.
last year I moved 4 times, from one city to another, and
then from one apartment and roommate to another... the
year before that, one city ot another, before that year, I
hadn't moved at all for 3 or 4 years...
I'm basically an unhappy person. the happiest I felt in
years, was for 5 minutes when I woke up beside the girl
I dated last year... 5 minutes of pure, happiness.. the
whole day, I was euphoric.. I felt invigorated, alive,
and most importantly.. while not loved, at least liked,
genuine, tangible feeling of being liked.. the afterglow
I made the mistake of being completely honest to her about
who I was, where I come from, how I got to where I go to..
I revealed myself, and while asking to not be judged, I
was.. and rather harshly at that.. ever since, I've been
quite reluctant to let anyone in.. but once again, I'm
slowly re-learning to let people in, see the real me...
it's a long road... but, for now, I'm tired..
Memoirs of a Geisha was an awesome film..
I wish I were in japan... lol
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