DayDream Believer
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2005-12-24 00:30:57 (UTC)

Knife Spinning

Latley I`ve been reading in my young girl (hand written)
diary. I started the part afther S** called, to clear things
more out. There are things I didnt remember, and memories
that hit me real hard. From the beginnig until now, its only
positive what he`s done, me on the other hand..
Im afraid to sound crazy, but ofthen when I read, what I
have written myself years ago, but never read before, I stop
because the pain is so much. And I just cry cause its all so
sad. Sometimes I get really excited because I have forgotten
what happend next (but I do know the end though).
Ofthen I get the feeling of a knife spinning around in my
heart. Im sorry, Im sorry, Im sorry. I can naver change what
I should have done somethings diffrent yes.But the
circumstanses included, did I ever had a choice? Maybe
partly, but not full out. But I do take the whole
responsibility, its all on me, not S*.
Will I ever dare to tell him the truth? To tell anyone the

Today I meet a really old woman at work, she was 94 years
old, but totaly clear in her head. I asked her what her
favorite part of her life had been, and she said her
childhood and her youth. She said that as she was growing
older, she took herself in thinking back to her youth and
what happend the a lot. This was her favorite time, even
though they had been really poor and hard working.
If I live to be 94, will I stil regret and think about this
with S* with the same pain I do today and did three years
ago? I cant stand that though.

Im 21, if there is one thing life have leard me, its that
you only regret the chances you did not take. When I take a
chance and it goes well, it give me this great feeling and
make me feel alive and give selfestem and self worth. If it
failed, its hard for a while, but I always get over it.
When I dont take a chance I get stuck with the could have,
would have, should have. What would have happened if I did
it diffrent?Would I be any happyer then Im now?
Stil there are chances I dont take, and the what if... stays
with me forever.

And about that topic..
Latley it hit me, remember the time in January, Feburary,
March when I was thinking con and pros about contacting S*
I had this list of arguments of why I should, and why I
should not, and would only do it If I though he was best off
that way.
Well, if I did contact him back then, would he stil have
been together with the girl he`s with now?
When I meet him at the club he said they`ve been together
for four months, if I did anything before that..
Thats one of my could have, would have, should haves of the
moment. The other is of course do things diffrent back then
in the days and see that I could go and meet him when he
called last time. But there is also a more sunny side of the
last one, now I had more time to be prepare.

Have a merry christmas S*, hugs and kisses from you`re Angel