muse

void deck
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2005-12-22 17:44:26 (UTC)

bad day

A meeting with people from the past will always bring back
some memories and often, gives you some sense of direction
in the present life. I met Pak Berty few hours ago. He was
my high school PE teacher. He is a teacher who is always
known to establish pretty good rapport with the students and
sometimes it also involves the personal life of both parties.

I went there with a somewhat crestfallen heart as I have
just received my examination result. Here goes:
Module Code Module Title Grade
CM1501 ORGANIC CHEMISTRY FOR ENGINEERS B
CN2122 FLUID MECHANICS B
EE2009 SIGNALS B
EN2111 READING BRITISH/WORLD TEXTS S
LSM1401 FUNDAMENTALS OF BIOCHEMISTRY B
PY1105 PHYSIOLOGY I B-
The result is very disappointing indeed. The result does not
reflect the amount of work I put in this semester at all.
Very, very disappointing.

The first half of the meeting was filled with Kat’s
ramblings of her boyfriend. I must say I am not interested
in hearing at all. As time goes by, I find it harder and
harder to take what she says seriously anymore. She, whether
consciously or not, has been too used to telling white lies
with her selective story-telling embellished with gross
hyperbolism. And I really find her more hypocritical every
year. I would rather not elaborate in this as it breaks my
heart so much. I would rather keep it to myself. Ignore,
ignore, ignore.

And the second half, Pak Berty related mostly to me. I could
feel the wall I build around myself so much. He has always
been successful in the past to pry open my heart and reveal
what was inside, with great accuracy. I hardly talked. I
don’t want to. I don’t want to open my heart anymore. But
what touched my heart the most is when he shared about his
wedding day and when he said that he though I was “unique”
and “weird’ and that would not judge me or said that I was
wrong. At least he gave the impression that he could accept
me the way I am.

I think somehow I owe him an explanation of my behaviour. I
am lost in this world now and I don’t wish to be found by
people from the past. I have been hurt and I am too scared
to open up again. My heart is still functioning but I am
unwilling to use it now… I need to protect myself. I need to
love myself more. That’s all I can say now. I cannot
elaborate. I cannot explain. I am tired.

And I am disappointed with Kat. Very disappointed. I want to
be angry and I think I have the right to be angry. But for
old times’ sake, I am just too soft to be angry or to say
anything.

Silly Fanni… always, always silly… you must find your own
happiness… don’t cry, baby…


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