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2005-12-19 13:37:36 (UTC)

return of my depression

the bottom line is that, no matter what I WANT to
believe, that doctors will never be able to fully
understand the brain any time during this century, and
well since nat and I figure the aztecs are right about
their whole 2012 thing, im not getting an real help
anytime during this lifetime. Anyhow, im in springboard
still...im here for another month. its actually not that bad,
and its not that hard of a class. Its just that, well, i still
have that anxious feeling and everything inside of me
still feels wrong. Worst of all, im having problems
talking to nat about it, especially since she always
happens to be distracted with something when i
call....but what am I to do? shes never on her computer
so email and AIM are out of the question. I dont really
know anymore, but its like if i need her and she cant
help me at the time, who am I to go to? Sabrina?
Masha? Josh even? oh yea speaking of Josh we got
into an interesting predicament:

Rob: I cut myself in the hospital. But its like it provided a
safe place for me

Josh: then maybe you should be in the hospital

well it pissed me off, as i told nat, but its like i should let
him off easy, given that he has no idea what the fuck
he's saying about being in the hospital because, well,
he has no idea. But its like anything can piss me off or
get me into a bad mood, so that no one really knows
why im in a bad mood like ALL THE TIME. Its like all it
could take is someone doing something else while
they're on the phone with me (whether it be watching
TV, getting high, or wacking off). When this happens i
hang up on them. WIth Nat its a little bit harder, and to
be honest diary, the only reason i talk to her after i get
pissed off at her is because i feel like i have to. its like
if she has something really important about her life she
wants to finally be open to me about and im too pissed
off to care to hear it, then shell try to pull some bullshit
like "you dont care to know whats going on in my life"
which may or may not be followed by a threat such as
"maybe i shouldnt be open with you" or a question such
as "why am I even open to you?" it just really pissed me
off because i really needed to talk and she was
watching SVU on fucking TV. Its like im sorry if SVU is
more important than I am so ill just go now. Its like
thats why i leave her to SV. its because despite the fact
that she claims i never listen to her, when im on the
phone it seems like shes never even really there. its
like shes engrossed in the TV or shes high (high is a
common problem, unfortunately) and its like if ur gonna
help me or care to, at least listen and dont make it
sound like part of ur effort is in the TV. IF YOUR GONNA
and yes, i know thats not happening so thats just a little
heads up.

in other news, Sabrina reports that she thinks Joe has
changed. As in, joe has become different while on the
phone with her. She asked me a few questions, and i
told her that i could not imagine why joe would be like
this. I presented the fruit of the tree of knowledge of evil
theory. Joe cant have sabrina while hes with mugs, so
he wants her even more and is nice to her then. But
once he breaks up with mugs and hits it of f well with
sabrina (only reason the y didnt fuck is, unfortunately,
no condom), he realizes that he can have her again,
after which he completely loses interest. moral of the
story? Joe wants what he cant have, and im willing to
bet his mood reflects that. I told sabrina i hadnt noticed
any changes in Joes attitude, but ill ask other people
and try to observe joe more carefully and talk to sabrina
about it

in further news, i have not talked to masha in a week or
so. I want to know whats going on in her life, so i might
cell her tonight and have a conversation. I may have to.
See i love masha as a best friend for so many reasons.
One of which is tha tshe is very helpful. She cares
about me and is there for me and will listen if i ever
need to talk. Thats what i love about girls....they are
good listeners. maybe thats why, in my emo life, that my
best friends, Nat (she is my girlfriend, which is also
considered by me to be the best friend in the entire
world...therefore shes still a best friend and will be
listed first as such), Sabrina, Masha are all girls. Then
again i consider people like Josh and my brother to be
best friends, and maybe even Ben Lieberman. These
three guys are pretty nice, despite the fact that they all
have stupid fuck flaws (ones a retard who thinks he
knows everything, ones stubborn as hell, and one is a
man whore)

anyway this entry is looking like it needs to end so im
gonna go...lol my springboard history teacher, MS. Kyo
just looked over my shoulder and wanted to know what
i was doing..not like i could get in trouble for posting...


well thats all....but ill leave some lyrics

Black Balloon - Goo Goo Dolls - Dizzy Up the Girl

Baby's black balloon makes her fly
I almost fell into that hole in your life
And you're not thinking 'bout tomorrow
Cuz you were the same as me
But on your knees

A thousand other boys could never reach you
How could I have been the one?
I saw the world spin beneath you
And scatter like ice from the spoon that was your womb

Comin' down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder
Or are you someone's prayer?

You know the lies they always told you
And the love you never knew
What's the things they never showed you
That swallow the light from the sun inside your room,

Comin' down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder
Always someone there

And there's no time left for losin'
When you stand they fall, yeah

Comin' down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder
All because I'm
Comin' down the years turn over
And angels fall without you there
And I'll go on and I'll bring you home and
All because I'm
All because I'm
And I'll become
What you became to me

im not good with analysis so i never intend to analyze
this...but it is, without a doubt, my favourite song by the
goo goo dolls....and now my iTunes top 3ish

We're Going to Be Friends - White Stripes
Ich WIll - Rammstein
Cant Stop - Red Hot Chili Peppers

good songs all three :-D

i gotta go now tho so peace out all