alone and adored
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2005-12-18 01:26:21 (UTC)

I am Alone, but Adored

everyone is under the impression that Im a perfectly normal
teenager and im enjoying uni life and going to parties and
getting good grades and going about my business but that is
not the case; I am alone. I am a lone wolf (i cant bring
myself to use the word "loner"). I prefer to do things on
my own because I would rather not deal with any degree of
rejection no matter how unintentional i wont deal with it,
thus I do it on my own or with ONE other person. Ive never
been good in large groups of people. im not witty, im not
smart, im not athletic. fuck i feel like I have nothing
going for me... this is right after I completely bombed my
stats exam this morning and not to get all corny but i
totally let it defeat me. I did like 4 questions and then i
handed in my exam after like...1 hour. that exam should
ahve taken me 3 fucking hours and I quit and NOW... there
is really good chance that France is out the window because
I am a fuck-up. I never learn my lesson. but I have learned
that I will never be destined to wear designer skirts and
heels to work in a really high glass building in a major
city, I will never take another math course as long as I
live becasue while I understand the principals of what Im
learning I will never be able to apply it ANYWHERE because
my mind is full of shit, and i should probably just drop
out and enroll in hairdresser school (not that thats
actually a bad job) I wanted to go to Quebec and then I
wanted to go to France but now that im [probably not] in
good academic standing Im pretty sure france jsut got
fucked in the ass. I ruined my chance at going away next
year. but i promise myself Ill do better next semester? yah
fucking right... if Ive learned anything from my mistakes
its that Ill never learn from my mistakes.. i will continue
to procrastinate and slack off and whine and make excuses
untill university kicks me on my ass and i have no job and
im fucking 20 with no future... god I always said id never
be one of those losers but now im afraid to joke about
people who work at burger king. :| fuck me is what. Im a
failure and i cant seem to smarten up... i cant believe i
fucked up france. it was the one thing i wanted all year
and I dont deserve to go. where is everyone? my 'friends'?
my shoulder to cry on? so not only has practically every
aspect of my life gone to total shit but I have NO ONE.
Im sick of being alone I just want someone there. my
parents dont count I cant tell my dad anything becasue he
was the one who always said do well in school or ill take
you to Boston and you can see all the bums for yourself...
jesus...i am like half way there. AND to boot, it seems
like theres nothing i can do about my crappy test scores.
study and study s'more and i get fucked in the ass anyway
so NOW when i study half of my says 'fuck it your just
going to fail anyway, better you dont waste time and just
do something youd rather be doing'. fuck me fuck me...
where is everyone? am I so repulsive no one can call me to
get drunk or watch a movie? last I heard I was the shit but
now im on the outside looking in and trying to hold up my
front of having a totally normal lifestyle where I actually
do shit. okay to recap... im alone, i suck and im alone.
seriuosly to god all i fucking have are the thoughts in my
head. even my little bitch of a brother is turning out to a
keener lifer fucking whatever, but at least hes got shit
going for him. oh yah one more thing... I am spoiled out of
my ass. My parents are PhD professing scientists; in other
words i have my own car, lots of cash, freedom and a ticket
to anywhere i want to be and i cant put in 1/4 of the
effort required to make the world my oyster. i have
everything and i use nothing but excuses to hide the fact
that im scared and alone and hopeless and fading. I want to
cry. fuck ive been so angry lately sooo angry like i could
get into a fight im so pisses all the time... i image
myself smakcing the shit out of some little bitch who looks
at me the wrong way, not that I have violent tendencies but
fuck sometimes i want someone else to feel what i feel but
physically. i feel cooped up and someone is rattling the
cage. wow what a beautiful metaphore. I hardly even feel
bad about this fucking math test; almost like ive failed so
many tests im used to it SCAREY! jesus fuck me. i am alone
in my little world in my head and everything is passing me
by as i watch from afar. watch from afar? yah cuz i dont
let anyone inside my head no one fucking knows who i am
anymore. those who knew me before would probably be
disgusted as how reclusive and sinical ive become and those
who ive recently been aquainted with see me as a ditz, that
quiet girl or a bitch. know what i need? sex.. sex with you
know who... thatd straighten me right out... get all this
shit out of my head with a beach fuck.... cept its winter.

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