Nick's Journal
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2005-12-14 03:51:10 (UTC)


i am old. finally i can say it. when you're 23 you're still
fucking stupid. but when you're 24 you have to go
somewhere. i am twenty-fucking-four. the novelty of being
able to drink dissipitated back when i was 15 and drank in
austria. the novelty of being on my own and having to live
with the decisions i made grew old when i started high
school. really every year from here on out is just a tally
towards the one that will be my demise.
but i love my birthday. as juli said, "i expect a lot." i
do. i realize i am crazy. you know what it is about my
birthday that drives me crazy?
i have had the absolute worst birthday one could ever hope
for. you have no idea and i would never in a a million
years describe it; although this very teaser betrays it.
but i have also had absolutely beautiful birthdays. but in
some way, since i've only live TWENTY-FOUR fucking years; i
can only say that this latest one has been great; and i've
only been 24 in austrian years.
i don't know, but here i am in the throngs of "life" having
to lead a job, pay bills, take an lsat, and apply to law
school. i mean i have two rats that depend on my very
being! lord almighty i have a tough life!
but today i hung out with my parents and i truly realized i
loved them for who they were. i mean my dad:
he will pick a fight with someone no problem. he just does
not take shit. but at the same time he beguiled the fuck
out of these people and i realize just how much i admire him.
and i look at my mother:
a beautiful woman who prides herself on who she is. she has
the ability to always make me smile.
and of course there is my bro, alas this has become the
sappy journal entry juli has called me out for, but noone
should be sappy about his own brother:
well i just got off the phone with him. he was the first to
wish me a happy birthday and i just liked talking to him.
and if you know me, you know that if i actually enjoy
talking to you; you've overcome and almost insurmontable
task. i'm proud of him and here i am 24. so with that age
and what the pride i feel, you know that there's someone
there who will kick some ass (and not just in fantasy
then there's my baby. she pokes fun at me. she chides me.
but we have too beautiful hairy children who will live no
more than 2 years. one of them just one the "cutest pet"
certificate. but she is with me and i love her for her.
there is nothing she could do to herself that could change
that. i love her so much and i look back at my life and i
just feel so damn lucky.
my life is what i dreaded. i am ordinary. am i not? i
have a job. i am trying to attain some ephemereal goal
(becoming a lawyer). i take pride in the "little things"
(isn't that what those books tell mediocre fucks to value?).
i don't climb mountains and i don't shake my cock around
the globe. and if i fade into mediocrity i will have left
nothing more than what i hold dear. yet what more can there
be to ME? in the narcissitically solpsist view i take on my
life i can only deem this as a thralling victory. for as i
stand here.
haggard and 24 years of age. dying another slow (hopefully)
56 years; i find nothing but joy in my life. i still do not
wish to trade places with anyone at any time in history. i
can't think of one other place i'd rather be or another
person i'd rather be.
ah the beautiful, positive (redundancy coming!) affirmation.
it is what birthdays are here for. for if on your birthday
you can't think of your being as a great thing then you know
you are in trouble. if life hurts you on the one day in
which you are given leave to be a hedonistic fuck, then you
might as well stop what you are doing and switch gears. if
you love who you are and know you want to go on; well then,
you have one more year to go my friend.
25 here i come.

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