muse

void deck
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2005-12-11 15:42:24 (UTC)

questioning once more... and lamenting

Last year, in attempt to become a minimalist, I reduce my
belongings and asked my Mum to bring home all my keepsakes
and photographs. I was trying hard not to look back at my
past and move on. I think I have suceeded to a large extent
as this time, I really feel detached from my home.

I have been having mysterious headache at the back of my
head and the nerves at my temples. The nerves are so tight
that they hurt so bad. I have been having sorethroat too...
I don't know why everytime I come back here, I am always sick.

This time, I have very little urge to contact my friends
too... the only thing that makes me do it is that I want to
attend my old friend's (Christine's) wedding this saturday.
Apart from that I am not very interested in catching up.
catching up will just make me realize how much I have to
give up for the sake of good education.

I was quite struck by Else's question to my sister: Lisa apa
ga bosen sekolah terus. At one hand, I am touched that she
cared enough to ask for me and the other hand, her question
brings out a painful truth about my life. True, there are a
lot of times I feel so sick of studying, especially in the
relentless atmosphere of Singapore education. However, I
could not complain about this as there is no other way for
me to live now. My life revolves around school, and this has
been the way for my lifetime. I have no other life... I have
no love life, no family life, no social life, nothing, nada,
zilch.

Perhaps this is why I feel so touched by "The Remains of the
Day"... I can identify very much with Stevens... maybe not
as rigid as he is but I do give up my life for education. I
gave up my youth... now, at 22, I feel like I'm a 42 year
old... I feel so sick in body... so empty a soul and so
cynical a person. I have no motivation to live anymore.

And as always, my heart breaks to come home. A mother's love
is stifling that I could not breathe. I want to love her
back but I just could not... and I feel so depressed about this.

I want to talk to my friend but the only person I feel
comfortable talking to is nowhere to be found. Where art
thou... I really need her now...

Birthday and Christmas is approaching but this time it feels
no different from any other time of the year.


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