muse

void deck
2005-12-10 17:19:10 (UTC)

first wedding

Today I went yo my cousin's wedding at Hotel Borobudur. I
simply love the ambience, a nice background and a jazz band.
A perfect wedding. I almost shed a tear there... somehow I
could feel how sacred and beautiful wedding is. Two become
one, family and friends sharing the happiness and giving the
couple their blessings... it's a celebration of love and life.

Too bad it's a Chinese wedding... I know it ain't appropiate
for me to say this because I'm a Chinese myself but the
emotions are too strong to be contained inside of me...
people there just heck care about the actual meaning of
wedding... they are only interested in the food... and
meeting people from the past. I am not complaining much
about the second one... but the overall impression is just
horrible. Only few people actually shook the couple's hands
to congratulate them. My heart broke to see that. Really...
it's pathetic... so selfish... I don't know, somehow today
I feel very sad of being a Chinese...

And my mum. I am very angry and disappointed with her. She
had no manner and mean. My aunt did her something wrong, a
petty one and perhaps out of neglect... and she kept it. She
sun and nourish it, and it grows. The resentment has grown
to full blast. She kept on complaining and saying bad things
about my aunt's family and the wedding. She kept on saying
and saying that at one point in time I felt like shaking and
slapping her to bring her back to reality. How rude can one
be to speak bad of others in their house and in their event.
She did it again and again... trying to spread the disgrace
of one's family to others... worse because she spread it to
the relatives. It's really mean... and stupid. In attempt to
bring shame to others, she actually brings it to herself.
She tried to revenge, but instead it fired back at her. She
is an emotional nervous wreck.

Every year I come back, there is always something bad and
new I discover about my family that I really lose heart.
Really, really lose heart. I think I am really not bornt for
happiness. I want to run away from my past and my family.
Never mind if I'm all alone... never mind if nobody loves
me. I guess I still can trust myself... that's the only
thing I can do. I cannot rely on anyone anymore. Not
friends. Not even family.

Sometimes I feel it's better to die. I'm heartbroken. I'm
crestfallen because of this world and to realise how broken
it is. Friendship and love is beautiful... yet I'm losing
the previous and not finding the second. What is there to
live for anymore. Somehow I think Morpheus has been working
on me all along... he has taken what I cherish in this world
one by one... so that I have nothing to live for anymore.
And then one day Hades will come and carry out a coup de
grace on me.




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