Nick's Journal
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2005-12-09 02:54:15 (UTC)

The One Thing I wish for.....

i will go the route of that poet: ralph waldo emerson?
for whant that i should experience what people feel of me.
not an actual quote.
i wish i knew what people thought of me.
that is my x-mas present.
if only i could glean what people think of me i should want
no other present.
you see i am quite different from others; to my beliefs, i
am immortal.
i remember the first time i was talked down upon, it
happened while i was in austria, people thought i was a
pompous american, haha, oxymoron, right?
it hit me so hard i couldn't walk for two weeks. i shuffled.
who was i, if i wasn't an effigy in the eyes of others?
this is where solipsism breaks down. for you are never a
characterization under solipsism, you are simply a contrivanace.
but then you realize that you really are at the mercy of
those who portray your image.
everyone wants a quick synopsis of who they are, but noone
is ever willing to take it.
this is what i truly wish to be cleared up in my mind.
"how cool am i truly in the minds of whom i fantasize that i
am great?"
"and how horrible am i in the minds of those that i despise?"
i'm willing to hit it up with a formula.
let's just hope the outcome is positive.