Don't tuck your shirt into your underwear
the other day i had a bit of a dilemma. as usual i had
taken too much time watching the best show ever (Fresh
Prince of Belair); and i had little to know time to get
myself ready. i noticed that my boxer shorts had a tag that
was scratching the hell out of my lower back. i didn't have
the time to grab a pair of scissors to cut out the tag (it
was one of those that is embedded in the boxer short, not
the kind that hangs out), so i decided,
"hell, i'll just tuck my shirt into my boxer shorts instead
of just my pants."
i also distinctly remember wondering,
"is this going to make me look like a dumbshit?"
yes...yes, it is nick.
so i got on the train and everything was cool, read some
more of lord of the rings and gazed out the window at the
beautiful scenery. everything was going fine till a most
embarrassing thing happened to me on the metro.
you see i have sinus problems and sometimes my nose is
really stuffy, i'm blowing it almost constantly (attractive,
right?), well there i was standing on the crowded metro
after i had blown my nose about to pick up my lord of the
rings again, when the damndest thing happened,
i breathed out and a bullet of snot just shot out. and i'm
talking about the long slimy snot, all green/yellow. i
watched in horror as it landed on my pant leg. i quickly
looked up and of course i was being stared at (or rather
getting glanced at, cos noone who values their life stares
at anyone on the metro at 8:20 a.m.). in utter humiliation
i bent down with my tissue and then i saw why i had been the
focus of attention anyhow.
my fucking boxers were sticking out of my pants. right
above my pants, spilling over the belt like the papier mache
of a gift box were my penguin boxers. god almighty i looked
like a dumbshit. the worst thing was that there was NOTHING
i could do about it. i mean, i could have gone all out,
dropped my pants and just gone to town.
instead, i whiped up the snot off my pants and rectified
myself, holding the (thankfully very large) lord of the
rings book to shield my brightly burning face.
i had to walk like a son of a bitch urkel down the god
damned street to my office. and talk about a mad dash to
the bathroom once i was there.
which brings me to the ugliest girl in the world. lately
this new rider has joined my daily commute. she is hands
down the ugliest girl i have ever seen. now let me explain
this ugliness. sure there are ugly girls who have something
wrong with them (i.e. lazy eye, third eyeball), but there
was nothing conceivably wrong with her other than her ugliness.
she was pasty white, i mean white as snow. she has black
hair which are inexplicably done up in braids, which come
down to her middle back. the problem with the braids is
that they accentuate her already alien forehead and also
seem to give the impression that her hair is actually trying
to flee her body. the large knobs of whiteness in between
each braid which constitues her scalp is always covered in a
greasy flaky crust. her eyes look like a cross between
caucasian and chinese, only it seemed like both of the races
stopped caring and only did a half-assed attempt at her
features conglomerating into a hideous asymettry on her face
which seems to make her eyeballs like those of a wish. her
teeth are needle like and i swear to go her tongue is black.
she is about 5'5 but very stout. this is the odd thing;
she's not fat or skinny, she's just fucking stout. i mean
like one of those big wooden poles you drive into the ground
out on a ranch in wyoming stout. her physical features,
therefore, are non-existent, there are no curves or anything
that in any way resemebles the curvature of a natural
feminine body. she has this gait in which her upper portion
(waist on up) seems to push forward over her lower half (as
if her escaping hair were literally drawing her upper half
with all its might), which results in a walk that very
closely resembles the homeless person shuffle.
now if you dont' know the homeless person shuffle it is very
useful knowledge. if you are ever in wonder as to whether
or not someone is homeless go for these two huge pointers.
1.) they are trollying anything larger than a small suitcase
and it's not 7 pm on the thursday before thanksgiving. if
there are any plastic bags, and i mean any at all with this,
then you can be certain.
2.) they are doing the homeless person shuffle. i've come
to notice that homeless people have a specific walk. it is
a very obsequious and tempered manner to move around.
essentially the feet never leave the ground and instead sort
of scuff along the floor. the weight of the body is not
really shifted forward on the foot, but rather goes from
side to side. the steps are very short and therefore very
quick. in this manner they sort of look like a white guy
trying to dance with his black girlfriend at a hip-hop dance
club to an R.Kelly song.
i give this information for free. why? because i am St.
Nick. happy st. nick's day.