Kalamity K

The Daily Chaos of Kalamity K
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2005-12-05 01:05:40 (UTC)

Don't let me cut...

please don't let me cut.
please don't let me cut.
please don't let me cut.
please don't let me cut.
please don't let me cut.
please don't let me cut.
please don't let me cut.

I didn't cut and paste that. I wrote it out properly. I
am trying to keep my hands and mind busy.

I lost it earlier. Badly. Over nothing. Screamed like a
banshee and now my throat is feeling it a bit. Acted like
an idiot, what the fuck else is new? Stormed out and
slammed the door - three times. Screamed mean things at
my bf. Then came back and screamed that I didn't care I
was being mean, in case he thought I'd have a guilt
attack. Then screamed at him to stay away from me, that I
never wanted to see him again, that I wasn't coming home,
get used to seeing me around the house if I do come home
but not wanting to be with you...Yeah. I was a psychotic
raving bitch. Again. I hate it but I don't care. I don't
want to care. I don't want to understand it. I don't
want to think about it. I want to feel bad and terrible
but I don't. I just don't care. Because he's all confused
and I hate him for it. I hate me for thinking he's so
stupid in times like this. It isn't easy to deal with a
run away freight train. I hate how I treat him. I hate
how I don't ever consider him. I hate it all. But yet,
I'm such a stupid selfish fucking bitch, it never
changes. I bitch that the house isn't clean, but when
cleaning gets done, he's the one who does it. He cleaned
today while I lazed around in bed. I do nothing.

I went to the drugstore. Bought bandaids (well, not
bandaids, but sterile pads and tape), scissors, antibiotic
ointment. Already took Kleenex and my blades from the
house. I want to cut so badly. I didn't. It about
killed me not to. I still want to. I binged on food I
didn't want and drove around. It's hard to cut yourself
when you are driving. Because I don't want to get the car
dirty. That's the only reason.

But I knew as soon as I set foot back in my house I'd want
to do it again.

And I do.

And the longer I wait, the more horrible things I see in
my head. The more out of control things I see in my
head. I am wondering if I shouldn't just do it now, in a
less upset state, and sort of purge the craving, so to
speak, in order to avoid something worse later. I don't
know. But I do know it's driving me mental.

And I know that every time I start thinking things with my
bf and I will be fine, that we are okay, that I can live
in a content companionship and friendship instead of in
some even tepid romance, that this is what happens. I
eventually lose my mind and sanity over nothing much of
consequence, I blow up, and I leave him feeling helpless,
scared, looking hapless, on the defensive and overwhelmed
to the point that he just doesn't know what to do.
And...I guess we are all guilty of it...but he must be
able to hear me screaming, in panic, in terror, in
craziness, to stop it, why does he do this, etc., etc.,
etc. - I mean, the whole fucking city can hear me - and
his answer is, "I'm not doing anything." I know it's
unfair of me to expect him to drop everything and come to
clear reason in the midst of a crisis, but that is what
always gets me, every single time. He's overwhelmed, I
think, confused, panickng himself, I think, worried, all
of it...and he can't drop his defences and normal
reactions to help me. But it's what I need. I just...I
know I fail a lot of the time...but I also know I try,
whenI see someone in such anguish, I do try to give them
what they need to get past the scary moments. Maybe he is
trying. I don't know. But...we've been together for so
long now...shouldn't he just know to do it? Shouldn't he
know that saying, "I'm not doing anything," is going to
provoke a bigger crisis? I would really like to think
that if I saw him absolutely going off the rails crazy,
screaming like a banshee, trying to destroy things,
repeating over and over, why do you do this, why won't you
stop, and throwing, hurling things to break them, in
tears, leaning against the wall and writhing from the
inner pain of all this...I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO THINK MY
would fucking like to think that my response would be to
just stop what I was saying or doing, even if I didn't
right away understand what it was that was upsetting him
so much. I would really like to think that I'd be able to
drop my position for a minute in order to take stock of
his mental health or whatever the hell it is that is going
screwy, and work from there. I just...when you see
someone getting upset, and they are asking you to stop it,
and your reactions are just clearly making it worse...
isn't it normal and a natural reaction to try something
else instead of insisting on your innocence?

I don't know.

All I know is that it's all my fault and I can't stand
this stupid bitch called K2.


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