The First Tear

TEars: Good and Bad
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2005-11-26 23:05:29 (UTC)

I did it again last night...

Dear Diary

Well, last night it all blew up. Suncom called us and I
found out about another $1000 bill. I'm fuckin' stressed. I
owe my paretns $1900. SHIT! I don't know what the hell I'm
gonna. I can't breathe. I reaked out and went into the
bathroom last night and cut myself again. I sure as hell
hope cody doens't see it. I told him that i didn't do it
anymore. I usually don't. I hadn't in a whie. I just really
couldn't breathe and I felt like I was gonna die if I
didn't. I know I wouldn't have but I just needed that brief
second of reprieve. Ya know? As soon as it was done, I
thought of Cody and hoe disappointed he might be. I feel bad
but, at the same time, sickeningly good. Now, I jsut need to
figure out how to cope with cutting. lol. That's sounds like
an oxymorone doens't it.

Everybody's in a fuckin' BAD mood today! I'm so sick of
being home. I wanna go back to school. I wanna go cuddle
with Cody and feel loved and warm and safe again. I feel
that way with him. Weird huh. Hmmm Now I jsut need to find
away to get $25 for the formal on Friday. On top of all the
money that I owe mom and dad.

I love how i'm sittin' here and they're sittin' on the couch
talkin about me. I love that. That's grat. It makes me fel
so...loved...NO! I HATE it here.

Well, I need to go...I have to call Grandaddy about
borrowing some money and ask Emily to take me to mall to get
my hair trimmed. I'll write back later or tomorrow.

See ya
Ashley


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