Waldo

Trouble Breathing
2005-11-25 11:01:02 (UTC)

Post-turkey insomniatic reflections

It's past 2 a.m. in the morning on the day after
Thanksgiving. Kim's funeral is in a few hours and I can't
sleep. Too much on my mind I guess. I may be groggy and
such, but I intend to make it...even if I have to stay awake
all night and crash afterward.

Sandi's funeral was Tuesday. It was hard being there...it's
the 33rd (I think) funeral I've had to attend in my 30 years
of life. It was Reg's first. There was a lot of tears and
some good laughs...and all in all it was a short affair. It
was really nice to see that close to 200 people turned
out...and Sandi always thought she had not friends...lol.
I'll miss her a lot, and I didn't even know her all that
well. We've had a couple of multiple-hour deep conversations
about life, but she left without me really getting to know
the true her. Reg, however, had spent quite a bit of time
getting to know Sandi, and I know this has been hard on her.

Kim, at least at one point, was a very key player in my
life. She made me happy during a very sad time. She and I
also played a part in losing another friend, since we both
had relations while she was still dating Chip...someone who
I had considered a friend, but was not repectful enough at
that vulnerable time in my life to stop myself from fucking
him over. Kim and I lost touch for several years, and only
recently--within the last year or two--did we reach out to
each other again and start talking. Both of us promised to
start hanging out again, but we both flaked several times.
The last time I actually saw her and had a meaningful
conversation with her was about 10 months ago at a party.
I'm left with sorrow and guilt that it never amounted to
more than that.

I'll miss her.

Today, Reg and I went over for a quiet Thanksgiving dinner
with my parents--two people who I have kept my promise to in
seeing more of. Dinner was wonderful and this may sound
silly, but after losing three friends in nine days, I
appreciated every single bite of food and every uttering of
conversation. I worry that I'm going to lose my parents soon
as well. Both are in their 70s, and I've spent the last
couple of years mentally preparing myself for that day I get
the phone call that one--or both--has passed. I think now,
it's more a matter of them seeing me succeed and them
getting to see a couple of more meaningful moments in my
life...like possibly getting married before I feel
comfortable and satisfied enough that they know I'm ok
before they pass. They've both appeared in semi-decent
health of late--good news, especially considering the scare
my father had earlier this year.

A little news on my company's writing awards. They announced
they had the winners picked on Wednesday, but would not
reveal them until next week because one of the winners was
out of the office that day. I was out of the office that
day, having taking a vacation day. I'm not holding my
breath, but first prize is $2,500....second prize is $1,000
and third is $500. It would be nice to win something.

So in this post-Thanksgiving insomnia, I guess I'm
reflecting a bit, and for the first time in a long while, I
feel comfortable--optimistic about life. So what am I
thankful for?

--I have a rock solid relationship with the best woman to
ever enter my life, Regina. As I've said before, she gets
me. And I know she's always there for me, no matter what. I
not only love her, but I know the essence of what true love
means.

--I have friends...good friends, who make up a meaningful
part of my life. Friends that don't discard you if you
haven;t been around for awhile, or disagree with something
they do or believe in.

--Speaking of friends, I also have a brother. Geoff has been
that extended family to me that my family has never really
known.

--I have a good job, and one in which my superiors believe
in me and my abilities, making me one of their own with my
recent promotion.

--I have (especially with my recent promotion) enough money
coming in to support myself and Reg enough to live
comfortably and provide the material things I want out of life.

--I have renewed hope, motivation and desire. I have
challenges that I actually look forward to (the magazine I
now control, fixing up our new home, etc.)

--I have three wonderful pets that make me smile every
day--even when they cause trouble.

--I have a good set of values and standards that I've
learned over the years. Knowing this makes the tough times
easier to take...it also has helped me to be a survivor when
the going got tough. Face it, the 20s were a hard time for
me. Today, thinking about it, I'm actually kind of looking
forward to my 30s. Are these the salad years?

--I'm thankful in all that I've experienced. I've
experienced being a father (even if only for a short time);
I've become an excellent writer and editor with multiple
prestigious awards and recognition; I've played in bands for
over a decade and developed a small following of fans; I've
known true love and true heartbreak and depression; I've
traveled (though there's much more of that I'm ready to do);
I've gotten to know some really great people, and some
really shitty people, providing me with an unabashed and
unsheltered look at humanity; I've been do the depths of
skid row--abused and walked over, only to stand up for
myself and my convictions; I've had numerous opportunities
to experience and fulfill sexual fantasies and desires; I've
met heroes and numerous celebrities; I've developed a pssion
for sports (especially my beloved New York Mets); I've been
passionately involved in politics and attempts to create
social change; I've managed to survive and subsequently
thrive on my own after spending periods of my life in
extreme poverty; I have enough stories of funny happenings
or stupid things in my life to write a couple of books; I've
found my own sense of personal spirituality and self-comfort
without resorting to any religion or practice, meaning that
I am largely at peace with myself and life; and finally,
I've learned to love myself and appreciate things
again...something that if you know anything about the
hardships I have faced, is almost nothing short of amazing.

Sure, there are still things I'd like to do, accomplish or
see change for the better, but I'm quite happy with where
life has led me to this point. I turn 30 on Sunday and for
the first time, I'm looking forward to it.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!




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