blkdragon

grounded
2005-11-23 05:55:33 (UTC)

No expectations

Rather boring day at work, except for watching Lisa walk,
really nice ass. I gave her a pen, went to stick it in her
back pocket, asked her how to get the pen in there; she
stuck out her ass for me, talk about incentive. Watched
her squat to write on a box, nimble as hell and it was mind
candy to watch, picture perfect. If she weren’t so high
strung and on medication. . . . .
Toya called and asked questions about child support and
alimony, I told her to look in the Yellow Pages for
matrimonial attorneys that give free consultations, told
her to call as many as she could to get a general idea from
the responses. She may come over on Thursday, I’ll be home,
don’t really celebrate any holidays; try not to feed into
that shit. I don’t need holidays to motivate me to be
giving or to give thanks.
I came home and cut my hair, shaved, showered and headed to
the rink. I was relatively care free, avoiding feelings of
expectation, whatever would happen; would happen! I was on
time today, Patty came in shortly after me, I was warming
up; we saw each other and I didn’t give up the body
language that said she could approach me. I began rolling,
tightening my focus incrementally. I was a bit surprised
that she came, I didn’t approach her, not even in greeting;
she’s changed our dynamics and not in her favor. She
noticed my reluctance, began skating, I chose not to watch
her; she expected me to. There was a woman there that I’d
talked to earlier this year, she hadn’t been to the rink in
a while, I didn’t speak to her either, wasn’t in a
talkative mood, this time would be mine alone. I warmed up
and hit the floor, listening to Cirque du Soleil music, got
me going; I got deep into it and the footwork was non-stop.
I was doing the dervish with speed and precision, Patty was
trying not to watch me, she couldn’t help herself though; I
wasn’t going to trip on that.
I did my circuit of the track, began working up some heat,
returned to the practice area and took my shirt off. I went
back to the floor and continued my roll, they began the
couple’s moonlight and I was about to exit when Patty asked
me to roll with her. I didn’t see any reason not to, she
was trying to gauge my responses, I wasn’t about to let her
see anything but my calm. She talked about not having any
hot water, just trying to engage me in pointless banter,
our discussion was anything but normal; she asked if I had
her phone number? I told her I got her voicemail, she noted
that I didn’t bother to return her call to answer the
question about her mail. As we skated, she appeared to be
stumbling towards me, from time to time, I didn’t try to
help her regain her balance. She told me that she’d be
taking the rest of the week off, that I could call because
the phone was working, of course it is; doesn’t mean she’ll
be hearing from me.
She was trying to tell me that she wanted me to call and
people in hell want ice water, perhaps she wants me to call
to hear Kelly answer her phone, if she hears the sound of
my voice on her end of that phone it’ll be because she
called me. As it stands, I’d erased the voicemail with her
number in it.
She asked if I brought any tea for her and I pointed to my
locker. She asked, again, if I had an extra tea for her; I
pointed again to the locker and kept skating. She went to
get a drink and I got back to my thing. I’m not vindictive,
there’s no point in being childish. We didn’t speak again,
she left early, I chose not to say good night; she wanted
to get my attention and she didn’t get it. Today I thought
how much like Nadean Patty is!
I now understand the idea of turning the other cheek, it’s
not so you put yourself back in harm’s way, it’s a gesture
of forgiveness. Jesus (on the cross) said, “Father forgive
them, for they know not what they do”. He didn’t
say, “Father forgive them, for they have no idea who I am”.
Who Jesus was wasn’t as important as forgiving those that
trespassed against him. I’m merely disappointed in Patty,
saddened by the fact that she’s so insecure that she would
stoop to manipulation to gauge how much attention I would
show her. That her self-esteem is so low she finds such
behavior necessary.
I’d set my phone to silent, I’d gotten a call from Lenny at
8, I wasn’t going to respond to his voicemail; he left his
phone number for me to call him and I wasn’t going to. I
gave in and dialed his number, it was busy, I left a brief
message stating that I was merely returning his call.




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