Kalamity K

The Daily Chaos of Kalamity K
2005-11-21 20:08:55 (UTC)

School

Okay...I'm going to try this YET AGAIN. I have posted this
and removed it twice already but I'm not entirely sure what
is was about the old version that left me feeling uneasy
about having it in here. I thought it was a personal
detail that I had omitted to censor, but upon rereading, I
couldn't find any. No matter. I'm going to write it out
again, in different words and hopefully in a much shorter
form. [-sigh-]

The gist of it is that I think I want to go back to
school. Well, there is no think on that one. I would have
stayed in school for longer had I been able to swing it. I
love being in school and learning and doing all that great
stuff. But I think it has not become a necessity.

I hate where I am in my professional life but at the
moment, I'm stuck as stuck can be. I might have a law
degree, but I still need to be called to the Bar before I
can practice law for real. I don't know if I want to be a
practicing lawying, but I do know that not being called to
the Bar will haunt me forever. I know having a law degree
does not necessarily mean you will want to be called to the
bloody Bar, but for some reason, I just feel like I haven't
finished what I started by going to law school. It's that
unfinished feeling, more than actually being admitted to
the Bar, that is driving me mental.

There are two things I have to do in order to be called to
the Bar: the Bar Admission Course and the articling
component. I finally registerd for the BAC to start in May
2006. I don't know where I'm going to find the money, but
I will have to figure it out sometime. I decided one day a
couple of weeks ago that I had HAD it and I was going to
register for the fucking BAC, consequences be damned.

And I did. I registered, I paid the application fee, I got
my ID photos taken that night, I got it commissioned and I
dropped it off personally at the bloody Law Society. If
ever I say I never follow through on things, point me back
to this entry, would you? That was more spontaneous than
anything else, though, but whatever. I did it. Good for
me. Now...the easy (!) part - taking the 5 weeks of
courses and passing the exams (26 June and 16 July 2006).
I'm going to do it right this time. I WILL, I WILL, I
WILL. I'm terrified. But I'm goddamn bound and determined
to do it right and do well and pass and be done with it.

The major problem is the articling. Having the BAC done
isn't really going to solve the articling problem. I can't
get a fucking articling job to save my life. Granted...I
haven't been all that motivated in doing it. BUT...at the
same time...there are bigger issues that have brought on
this lack of motivation. My interviews are bad. I'm just
not good in interviews. I don't believe in selling myself
and I have a hard time not being a little mousey push-
over. My lack of confidence might as well be a neon sign
over my head but I'm terrified to give myself away and show
how much I don't know from law school. My interviews are
terrible and my marks are a definite mixed bag and usually
sliding a mark or two under the cut-offs set by the firms
when they grant interviews.

Law school, for all intents and purposes, was three years
where I became someone else, someone literally other than
myself, in order to survive the strange things that were
going on in my beautiful, complicated, crazy mind. (I'm
clearly feeling charitable to myself today!) I literally
wasn't myself. I can barely remember what the houses
looked like that I lived in, much less anything that
happened to me. I can remember what happened to my alter
ego, though. I can remember how terrifying the feelings
and emotions and thoughts were that I was battling. I know
I passed law school - with some help from a strangely
caring administrator who didn't treat me and my problems
like I was a faker (though I did see him do that to someone
else...) - even going through this shit. I know that I
went to 1/3 of my classes; never cracked open a book; and
rarely spent any time in the library. I know I managed to
be in the top third of my class the first and second year
until I absolutely tanked in my third year. I know I did
all this in my second language. I know my professors told
me I wrote better than many of the students (almost all of
whom were native speakers) and, in general, thought I was
at least competent (maybe not in my disastrous third year,
but overall, I mean...). If I could tell a law firm all of
this; if I could tell them I got my French lit degree that
didn't have a mark under an A- without ever once cracking a
book; if I could tell them I battled and finished my
history degree even though the cracks were already forming;
and that I got a fucking law degree even though I couldn't
see, think or do anything otherwise straight...there's no
WAY they wouldn't want to hire me (save for the fact they
would think me mental). My friends, the few who really
know what went on, tell me I must be brilliant to have done
it all under those circumstances. I disagree but I'm not
going to split hairs right now. It's nice to have a
compliment like that every oncein a while, anyway. [-
smiles-]

But none of this solves the problem that I can't tell a law
firm any of this. For various reasons, I really can't. So
I'm left with a half-assed transcript, an increasingly run-
of-the-mill resume and an increasingly lengthy time out of
law school without securing an articling position.

And I don't know what to do. I think the only solution is
to go back to school for a Master's degree. The obvious
choice would be to go back for an LL.M. - but I really
doubt that I would get into an LL.M. programme with my
marks at the moment. There is one law programme - a civil
law degree - that I think I would get in to (I got in once
but had to decline the offer because of financial
problems), but I wouldn't even COUNT on it (though I would
be hopeful). The problem there is that it would mean I'd
have to move to another city and I don't think we could
swing the finances, not with school tuition on top of it.

Outside of an LL.M., I could do another kind of Master's
programme - in History (might not get in); in French
(likely would get in b/c I got in before and opted instead
for Law school); potentially in political science (likely
wouldn't get in but the law degree might give me the boost
I need to be considered "exceptional"); or in another
subject/discipline/area where one doesn't need the
undergrad degree in order to be accepted (cross-
disciplinary programmes, for example). The goal there
would be to get some confidence back, get better marks and
then apply for an LL.M. on the basis of the better marks -
while at the same time applying for an articling position
(which I might get b/c I'd be more attractive with a
Master's, even if it WASN'T in law...potentially...though
obviously an LL.M. would be the real drawing card...).

I also am trying to think practically. I don't really
think I want to be a lawyer but I want the fucking option.
I want to be called to the Bar and to decide on my own if I
want to practice law. I don't want the fucking regulations
of the Law Society to decide it for me. I JUST HATE THAT
THOUGHT. It's just so wrong to me. But...the things
outside of law that really interest me have legal
components to most of the and have a lot of
politcal/social/historical components to them, too, in many
ways...so an M.A. in political science, for example, might
be perfect.

I don't know. I really don't know how I would swing it but
I know I can't and won't continue on like this. I'm not
scared of turning 30 in a couple of years, but I have no
intention of being 30 and just figuring out that I don't
have anything upon which to build a career and a life. I
don't want to wait until I'm 30 to go back to school and
end up being 35 before I actually can breathe a little,
have a bit of a life and a career (instead of a job) and
all of this. Forget it. I shouldn't be 28 and just doing
it now. I should have done it right the first time. But,
again, being charitable to myself, life intervened and I'm
where I am. But I'm not staying here. My boyfriend
suggested I wait another year and I explained this to him
and he actually agreed with me. I have asked his opinion
and he said he's all for it as long as we can come up with
the money. I have no idea how I'm going to do that but I
have to find a way. I have to. I don't know if this is
the solution but I don't see that I have any other real
solid choice at the moment that will get me to a better
base career-wise. If there is one, god, please tell me,
because this is a rather drastic step, even for one who
loves school.

I think I might take a couple of days off work in mid-
December to visit a couple of the local universities and to
talk with them in person. My boyfriend said he'd come with
me and I would really love the company. The applications
run about $80 a pop, so I have to be smart about it. And I
can't drag my heels, either, because most applications are
due in January or February for a September start.
So...seems I've got some thinking to do. [-feels her
stomach flip with nervousness-] Oh god, I'm getting that
nervous apprehension feeling again...[-catches her breath
sharply-] But also sort of excited. I always got excited
to go back to school...

I wish there was someone with whom I could really talk to
about this. There are two people in my immediate circle
that I have, will and want to talk to about this but...both
have their own vested interests and concerns, in odd ways,
that will, at times, make it difficult to get a perspective
on my situation, I think. I am not saying that in any way
to be mean or nasty. If you tried to talk cheerleaders to
me, I'd have difficulty seeing straight, for instance. [-
smiles just a bit-] The people with whom I speak I
appreciate so much...but I'm sort of scared to broach this
again with either of them...the last thing I want to do is
make life difficult for anyone...[-soft sigh-] Without
getting into it, which I really have no intention of doing,
I can't explain it any more than that. I know what's going
on, though, and I guess, for my diary, that's the part
that's the most important...

The biggest problem is this: if I don't do it right, I'll
be just as screwed as I am today. If I fall off the rails
again, if I don't get the marks I need, etc., etc., etc...
I won't really be any better off. All of which means that
if I decide to do this, I HAVE TO DO IT RIGHT.

And you know what?

I WILL.

You know why?

BECAUSE I'VE SEEN WHERE MY LIFE IS HEADING WITHOUT DOING IT
RIGHT AND IT IS NOWHERE I AM IN ANY HURRY TO STAY.

Yours, in a better state of limbo at the moment,

K2




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