jen

Too Much to Say
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2005-11-21 17:42:53 (UTC)

Passionate or Passivist?

"start a fire in me
let the flames run free
burn away the dross
holy fire of God

let it begin
let it be new
let me be used for Your sake
bringing glory to Your name
i can live
knowing that you
reside in my heart
oh Lord, You are the fire..."

Dross: Worthless, commonplace, or trivial matter.


the other day my mom pointed me to a very profound
devotion in "the purpose driven life" (day 12 to be exact)
just through friendly conversation, not knowing that it
would completely sum up my entire relationship-struggle
with God. i feel like i've had the revelation of a life
time.

Rick Warren uses the word "passion" at least 4 or 5
times in Day 12: Developing Your Friendship With God.
obviously, i've heard people talk about being passionate
for God before--many times--but the word has seemed to have
lost all meaning and has almost become one of those
christian chliches we just throw around. actually, i don't
think it's so much that the word has "lost" meaning, as it
is that we never really knew what "passion" involved in the
first place.

PASSION in no way has any relation to PASSIVE.
passion is not contentment, passion is not meek, passion is
not well-mannered, and passion really isn't even
happiness. however, passionate emotions ARE: longing,
desire, yearning, ecstasy, desperation, sorrow, and
especially anger. it's OK to be angry at God! as long as
you TELL HIM! i've made the mistake for so long of hiding
and burying my anger at God, therefore brewing it into
resentment and bitterness. i've struggled with doubts,
unanswered prayers, feelings of abandonment...and rather
than crying out to God passionately--screaming at him to
please HEAR ME!!! i've pushed those feelings deeper within
causing a rift between me and God. the only people in my
life i've ever confronted, fought with, and screamed at,
are people i LOVE--people i feel passionately about. we
don't waste time or bother to fight with someone we care
nothing for. everyone of God's CHOSEN leaders in the bible
confronted him, struggled with doubts, argued with him,
pleaded with him, got angry with him...jacob even literally
wrestled with God.

God wants us to fight FOR him and WITH him. i've been
wanting God to draw close to me for a long time, and i've
just felt like he's no where. and everytime i feel let
down, i shut myself off--resigning that if God is even
there at all, he just doesn't listen to me. and i grow
more and more bitter. and farther away from God......the
thing is though, i never really wanted the relationship bad
enough in the first place. god's not going to draw close
to me until he believes that i REALLY want it, and search
for it with all my might. in the past i would give some
half-hearted attempt and when i saw no results i would give
up. how arogant of us to think that the God of all creation-
-the King of all the nations would answer some apathetic
request flippantly thrown up at him. God told the captives
in Babylon "when you get serious about finding me and want
it more than anything else, i'll make sure you won't be
disappointed."

this time, i want it. and i'm not going to stop
bugging God, and screaming to him, and asking for it until
i get it. God i am fighting for you! i have been
frusterated and angry, God! there are things i do not
understand, things i DOUBT! i am worthless. i am
nothing. unless you come and find me, i will never
overcome my doubt. don't abandon me. HEAR MY CRIES!!!
hear my screams! hear my pleas, God! i am stubborn, and
you know it...that's what you love about me...i will not
stop asking until you fulfil your promise and draw close to
me.

"What may appear as AUDACITY God views as AUTHENTICITY."
~Purpose Driven Life


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