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I'm falling apart . . . I'm just not sure how much longer I
can keep myself together without . . . without something . .
. I can't get better until I figure out everything that's
wrong, but I'm not sure I can. I'm so worthless, so
pethetic, so stupid! I hate myself for everything I do and
say. I hate myself for ever being born, for being alive!
I just hurt so much . . . all I ever do is complain in here
. . . but that's what diaries are for right? I mean it's
better that I rant and complain and break down here than in
the real world. The world where I have to be perfect, and
where I have to never hurt, so never feel.
What I hate the most though, at chruch, which I realize is
completly random, but is that we're talking about love and
realationships, and all the things I have no idea about. I
mean how is it fair to make me talk about love and sex and
relationships with girlfriends or boyfriends when I've never
dated! I have no clue about any of these suposed problems I
should be facing. I mean it's just no fair . .. I already
didn't feel like I belonged but now I just feel more and
more out of place.
I swear if it weren't for Cori and Tommy I'd never keep
going to LT. I feel like such a stranger there, like the
joker in a pack of cards. You don't even really know what
it's there for, or if it's there for anything. Ok, I guess
the jokers were a bad example, because you do used them in a
card game; but still. Last sunday both Cori and Tommy were
gone and I felt so alone . . . like seeing red ink on a
black and white paper. Something that clearly doesn't belong.