thecommonthread

The Common Thread
2005-11-14 01:45:23 (UTC)

the deceptive pacifist.

dear lauren.

this is the most honest i can be. right here, documented in email format.

i have no idea who i am. i have qualities about me that define bits and pieces
of my existence, but in general, the big picture is foggy. i have an ability to
sort of pull myself away from my actions and behaviors and pinpoint the
progression. to see what steps were taken to get where i am. to evaluate
lengths taken to get there. due to this subconscious analysis, i am also in a
position to achieve many things. i think very logically and can therefore
identify the means required to achieve my desires. (i mean, this is all relative,
of course, but for the most part, accurate.)

that being said, it is now time to annunciate on the things i desire. i want so
many things for myself. i want to be an amazing artist. i want to be a
traveller. i want to be a writer. i want to be a girlfriend. i want to be an
entrepreneur. i want all of these things at the same time, and regardless of
whether or not they are right for me, i have developed an equation to get
them anyway. i see the steps that i would have to take to be a writer. i see
what it means to be a girlfriend. i see what it takes to do almost anything
that i want, and because of this, i have shot for them all at the same time.

what follows is the dilemma.

having all of these goals, and having the logistical thought process to achieve
them, has opened many doors for me. i am often changing my mind and
trying something different, or experiencing something new, just because i
can. the problem i run into is when i sit down and think about all of this shit
that i've piled on my plate, and i wonder how much of it is actually truly mine.

the switch from english to ceramics happened in a bout of self-doubt, when i
decided that english might just be a lofty expectation that i set for myself,
but not in fact a reality for me.

i had an argument with myself in the car today regarding my hatred for the
radio. my ipod died, and as my cd player has been jammed with stickers, i
had no choice but to don the radio. i impatiently scanned from station to
station, becoming more and more aggravated with each press of the button.
i was expecting to hear my music streaming through the speakers. i was
expecting a general version of my ipod. all i heard was some shitty
mainstream.

here lies another dilemma: i set my expectations far too high. this plays into
the idea that one should never set their expectations too high, lest they
always be disappointed. i mean, it is mainstream radio. it is fitting that the
music appeal to a much broader population than simply my ears in my car. in
the same vein, i set up brilliant expectations in other areas of my life. "do not
trust the lofty daydream of your place of business... it will soon fail to meet
your standards." "do not discredit the ability of one to disappoint... it will
happen everytime." someone will always be able to prove you wrong.

anyway, i've come to the conclusion that i am downsizing. i am going to
attempt to release control of the different elements of my life and see if i
can't find myself buried beneath. i am going to let things happen in their
own time rather than pushing them around when they have not yet ripened.
right now, it's about clarity. and i refuse to leave here without it.

recent events encouraged this bout with soul-searching, and i've spent the
better part of my sunday doing so. i don't spend nearly enough time with
myself.

lauren, i love you. and i know that you know what's going on... you just
needed a prompt. and see? hard proof that you are a brilliant woman sits in
my mailbox as we speak.

it is now bathtime, and so i will wrap this up. i miss you every single day that
you are away. and i love you.

j




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