everything i'll never understand
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2005-11-12 02:14:51 (UTC)

sugar we're going down swinging...

oh dear sweet non-existabt jesus i think im emo again...


fuck that for a gme of soldies....hehe, finioshed that JD
bottle... and 2 sat ehre lsitening to fall out
boy and talking to lisa...for no reason whatsoever...


random fallout boy... i dunno, im playing guitar, half
arsed holding a convo, and i KNOW how hungover i'll be
tomroow, so what am i doing...buying mroe beer for will,
and his friends and his missus.... I CANT WAIT!@!!!! i
fucking amde it through another 11/11...AND got to yell
and a buinch of cunts... i mean ffs, they pissed me off,
and this week's beena wanker, i've gotten so close to
nicola...which i thank...wait, who'd you thank god for
when you no longer beleive in him...i dunno...fuckit...
she rocks... I FUCKING RUILE!!!! i need a moneky, nm,
so yeah, today fucking killed me, but im ehre, got to ride
in nicole's sisters freelander...whata fucking sweet
ride...and wow my fingers are moving faster than i can
think of the word s to say, scares me more every day..ina
minute i guess il;;l jsut startbtyping randomly, i am
auskcer, and im always the alst to know, my insides are
coopper i kill to make them know....when you go i will
forget everything aboyut you (bored yet deb?) i have seen
sinking ships go down with more grace thatn you...
everything i wish for, will enver come true, when you go ,
i will forget everything about you, when you go, i will
forget everything about you.... i will forget when yoi

where the fuck wa si sweet non existant jesus...!?!?

wooo...tomorow, zebrahead...abrely know them, but it'll be
and i get to drink BEFOPRE the gig, have sorrel round,
test the ebdsprings, then go gig, queue for fucking ages,
have a laugh, buy overpriced beer, get pciked up, drop
holly off, then go home...and oh my god...shes a fucking
demon in ebd... am i even looijing at the pc, fuck , yeah, i cant fucking wait for tomrow
night..if my b'day aprtie's anything to go by, im gonna be
sore in the mrongin...not that'll stop me... i ahev
philosophy to work at, but i relaly oculdnt care less the
mood in in right now...FECK, need new headphoens...that
bites...thats 10 quid down the raopperm BUT FUCK YOU ALL,
im going to NEW FUCKING YORK next eyar.... cant eait to
trey the food, and justr do soemthing new.... I WISH I WAS
MUCHA S I HATE MYSELF.... i miss jacobfor some reason...
dunno why,,,,,missing fucking cute, i swear,
ME...AND god I LOOK good nowfdays... my ass is so toned it
HURTS..... nm, but yeah, last time i rememebr her lying
there and i was tlaking to ehr for like an hor while she
slept... im so fucking lucky...

fuck, lsot my fuckinf trainb oft hrought,...bloody small
baldder and alrge amoutsn of drink.. ndunno why, but once
again im feleing amazxingly paternal..i need her in my
arms, and i REALLY want a son...i dunno why buti kjeep
dreaming of a small ''me'', i cant explain it, it just
works...i ahve a house, i ahev a stabel jod working at
klaw firm, you knwo what, fuckit,,,id wirk 24/7 at soem
shityt comapny just to keep them going, just a smaller me,
and a girl, id love a little girl,. i want a
family...miens torn to fuck...i need one of my own, ive
wante done since my parents spilt i guess, which was an
abspolute bthc,,, but yeajhm there we are.... whetre the
fuck was i? ''on the drive home, joke about the kid you
used to see and his jealiusly, breaking eharyts ahs never
looked so cookl as when you wrap your car around the tree
your makeup loosk so cool envt to his teeth...your maekuop
looks so fake enxt to hsi teeth''...oh fuck, major memory
of claire...WHAT THE FUCK did i ever see in her? SKANK
ALERT..... its creepy, ive been shitfaced since about
10ish..and ive spoken to lisa, sorrel, deb ahasnt said a
word... nicola...emily evne,., but only anna had an
inkling of how much i regret some thisgs, ''my heart is on
ym slevee'' fucking FALL OUT BOY...

*is worried by his emo-ness, but shush the fucken up...k?
* ''theres a ligth on in chigargio, and i know i should be

NEXT WEEK, i will work ahrder... i RALLY NEED TO...

jo said i'd fail, neil said i wont, anaisa ahsnt said
anything.... bloody women,,,,, ''you want apolagies, girl
you might hold your breatjm untill your breathing stops
forever, forever, the only thing you'll get is this taste

spent today lsitening to fightstar, katie pissed me off,
but shes full of metal... i meant TOO MUCH metal...i know
ive said peiricings are icky...but i can stomach so
much,,,,but thats too much,,, (dont worr,y i dotn mean
you) ''landing ona runway in chigarog....'' fucking hell
ima mess, but im a happy mess, and god damn tomroow will
rock my cockm so much..i only wish i could hgabve more of
my friend s there....

i regret messging flik
i regret alot of sayingwhat i did about you,
yeah, it upsets me , but end of day, tis not my business,
i just REALLY want you to be as happy a si usually am...
(this week being different)...i knwo i've beena cutn, and
i knwo we've dealt with so much shit, but you really are a
great eprson, you have an amazing opersonalotiy, and
yopu've got so much to offer....please, dont ever watse
your time on epeople who DONT deserve you... yes,m im
drunk as fuck,, but I KNOW what im tslking about... i was
dumb enough to squander it... yes im ahppy nopw, but dont
EVER give yourself away for the sake of it....

''im justa corss ahir, im justa shonthen we can die''
strangely enough, me and sorrel demandied thsi song by
franz ferdinand one prom...i miss that night, no offenc,e
but id totally change it so that id ahve the best start
with her...i know we did some wrong by you, but please,
look at how ahppy we supirse dim with her, but
shes everyhting to me...i dunno why, but that sentence
brought a smile yto my so utterly in love thsi
time, i KNOW im right...all the things ive ever done
wrong, i wuish i could take back, just for her, IF I WAS
GOD, id make it all ok, you'd be an angel soemwher,e and
me anbd her would ahev it all, eveyrhting would eb till fucklign ahte christmas, but i stand by
my wish that you'd al;l get hat you wante.d..

*&did i really just tell jsioh i woe himna dirnk and enver
want tot ake piss with anyonee lse?!!?*

jesus fucking nion existant christ...

i really can type...if i go at one word per second...or
so, emthink anyway, im bette roff not looking at the
screen while i type... its quicker..and less accurate

so whast my conclusion? dont think there is one...i'd
love to think ima good son, a good love,r protctor and
fiancee, a good friend and a good allie... (sp mother

as i said to nicole *another fucking sant, but nerly as
saintly as nicola...* i TRY to be good, im just abd at
it...i'll stick to my moral, and thats the best i can
THE DEAD!?!!?!

so, i know sorrel's not eebn with me logn enough to know,
but did ANYONE know why i wore my dragon pendant today? i
aitn worn it in ages.... i rmeoved the
seemed kinda redundant..e.ven with withwhat spendlow told
me when i used to take tharapy....fuck, forgot that him
and ord saved my life that time.... mind you, if thord
had't had been looking for me, life'd be have
done it there and then that eyajh, there we favourite teachers stopped me killing mysel,f sad
but true...
was so ready for it and everyhting...

thats amlong time ago... yeah i KNOW exactl who drove me
to it, but nm.... someitme si wish i ahd, but fuck,...its
wierd,,,,i eman im so gone right now, it feels like
sorrels uista dream... like its going to ahppy, or hasnt
happedn yet... but inside i fele so overbearingly lucky..i
have somehting others lack, security...yet i still look
for weakeness...and NICOLES...the only one abr who who
realises who truely weak i am... *loves hios fluffy hair*
it was so ace to talk to ehr tonight, but anyhiow, its
liek, iw as asked today 'what is love' ...LOVE OS THE
THEIR LIVE FOR YOU....would i?...yes i fucking would, id
give my life glady just so she wouldnt have to feel an
ounc eof pain... she's everything... ther eIS no world
without ehr, and my god, what a feeing to lie with ehr
wrapped next to me, she fits into me eprfectly... i love
sex like that, but afterwards, just to hold ehr, and
nibble and kiss her abck, her skin, so smooth and
eprfect..shes's such a fucking angel... ive told ehr beofr
ehse deserves better, but call mea cunt, but right's all good... i've not gone wrong in ages.. i
really wish she could have it all so much better...i wish
she could ahev sue... i mean ffs , she's fucking hot...
but shes not for me, shes hers... and i,m cool with it...
i mean hell, if she gets her, i get nick....but id settle
for jaccob i guess, not to say settle..but..yah, im not
saying what he's said to me on ehre...
''i confesss i love you so, but you know...''
metaphorically yours by ed ahrcourt...fuck mister
brightsde, THAT is ournsong...

ed harcourt... a gift to me, NOT via rach, but ehr
brther... i do miss ehr alot..she was so fucking awkward,
but then again i was so fucking young and immature,,its
HER who's responsibl for me growing up, just as its YOU
who;'s repsonsible for the fact i cant be ''clingy'', that
i cant be what sozzle wants me to be...

i could come out with god knwo how many insults, but you
deserve better than that, and i REALYL AODNT HWVE IOT IN
MY HEART to do that to you...hoenstly, ahnd on ehart,
thats how much ive grown much that you'd have
diffucioulty recogniseing me, if you hadnt had to see me
at colelge very day....

''have no fear, from every sphere....and dissapear..and
slowly die''

i want a death wish, i want a sex life...

...lyrics by the glitterati ***have the lead singers
autographg...he;s so FUCKING hot..and signed it ''LOVE''-
its up on ym wall......but nm*** i have a fuckign aamzing
sex life...pound to pennies it even beats yours... i ayhev
death wish, every fuckign day cau his world is so full of
beauty i cant' take rather die in the enxt hour
thatn face fucking it up for everyne....

i REALLY would give my life right now if it meant you
could all b happy ... bu i relaise now, that suicide is so
utterly poitnelss, if i was to elaver her, she'd be
lsot... i ahvent bent her to my will lijke zebrahead sing
about, i ahevnt broken ehr..,.i've let HER live...ive let
her be who she really is...sorrel os the msot loving,
maternal person i know, NO-ONE else could care so much,
she spoils me abosultely-fcukinf-rotten and veyr few
people ahev sommuch love in their hear tto support their
friend and family..i AM PRIUND to include her as family...
my famiyl love ehr, and ive already DITCHED thsoe who
dont...frank..mother fucking catholci bastard,..... i
fucking HATE catjhlkics,.,,,

i need to leae sg again.. idont need it, nd that CoW urban
akien and her mte tore me to eices on the lti section A

a litre of alger and half a bottle of jd wmixed with coke
IS BAD.... but so satsifying... tomrow will rock
whatever..and hiope yo readall this in good faith.. i
love the idea of just talking to diea why... ut
seriosuly, text me or w/e, if you want me tio quit reading
yours ... meh, least i got your fucking number now... it's
ABOUT FUCKING TIME... i miss dan... i still regret usng
hsi myspace to find flic...thata bad idea or fucking
hqt...fuck THAT for a game of soliders...

hopeflly, i wont tell ym mum ''to get laid'' this
weekend...she didnt appreciate thso... BUT THANK GOD..she
gonan repair that bed with me.... i relaly wish she'd said
that she could hear it squeaking... its just OMGF...i want
to die... WHEN I FOUDNT HAT OUT... ufkcing kjeybaord...

think i've been at thsi blog for about 2 hours....shit
really ennit... ''if you need to kiss me, you'll most
definately miss me...when im gone''

i miss the simple times...

GOD...if you're done with eather 495...come abck toe arth
307... take it off the shelf nd PLEASE put me back to to
the day ebfore prom... id DIE to have that night
over...but jesus fucking h christ id make that night worth

do i miss my virginity?.... FUCK NO.... like wine... i get better with time qnd age...

''pete debney,m the ebst fuck no-oe else wille ver
have...'' lol

well, thats what sozzle sad t'ther day... im notnebing cocky... 'it sounds cocky?'....fuck

...2 hours rambling comprised into one page...ive lsitened
to all my fall out boy,, all my frnaz ferdninand, and some
ed ahrcourt..i msis ed, it was a year ago eh ws in b'ham,
and i didnt go...just to soend the night with ehr,m thats
how juch she DOEW mean to me... i gave up one of my
favourte artists, just to be with her...i can honstly say,
id ahev N-E-V-E-R done that for ANY other girl i've been

bet she ahsnt a clue how much i wanted to go...lo

she's my world, and a world that will be in my amrs
tomorow night, im so fucking luicky... right now, evne
with the pains of the lasyt week, im so full of sentiment
and booze that its hard not to appreciate the beauty
inside everyone, and yeah, thsi is me begign them NOT to
forget how ebautfukl they are... dont EVER let anyone
abuse that beauty, or take advatage of it... you're all
worth so much more... so fucking much more..

it hruts like fuck to see that wasted

i needto stop ramblinf... but i dotn want to...

hand on ehart, this reminda me of the good old days...''
and i am amrried to your charms and grace lets get crazy
liekt he good old days, you make me wnt to pick upa guitr
and CELEBREATE THE MYRIaD ways tht ILOVE YOU''' i do miss
emily fom ehre, simpyl bcaue o the confidence and
liberation she gave me in the times before
shcool,m no sozzle, no ahssle (no offencr) from you... it
was the 3 weeks before summer the alste nights and beer nd
fumbles at hers... it was strange time... bt ti does kill
me tos ee her now....''

i really need to finseh this...but i cant...i can abrely
type..but ya freeing ymself of some brudens... i
take such utter pride inmknwoing, thsi will be read but
shell ahve hell of a time translating it from druneken
enlgsih... ''when you're on your own, you walk in the
rain, i walk around the house, then walk around ti again,
you'll pretend you're ahppy, that yopu;ve got it all..but
dont be upset if you fall on your knees and beg lieka
dog...i've reached a low, don't you know YOU'RE THE APPLE
OF MY EYE....'' i love her... thats all ther eis,
thats's all ther ever will be, nothin else does really
matter, i can sit and chat about ti, but simple fact is,
sozzle is all ther eis to me... love so pure, so
inconstitent, but there..always there for ehr....

please...gimmie a shour when yo've read this..if yo
do...just so i know... caue i really need to go to bed...
and chance are the weekend''ll be over by that time... and
i;ll probly have fucked up 6 different thigbs by
then...but god, if i died now, id die smiling...

semper paratus, emper fidelis, seize the day, put no faith
in tomorow... c;'est non ma papilon?...

*misses jacob, sozzle, deb, nicoal, emily, josh, frgo,
nick, dan, rach, lisa, *isnert name ehre-cant remeber it*,
dale, toby, nicole*...

ima mess, i've always beena mess, but ima ,mother fuckign
honst mess...

you'll enver understand everyhting i enve rhad to offer,
and everyhting i always never ahd...

i am the onyl one who truely rocks, beware these falsehood
that the other cunts circulate....


how much do i rule reallyt, i mean ffs, my own father
turned down the chance tosee me, neglected mien AND m
borthers b'days, and turned down the chance to meet sorrel
ebfore i rporpsed...he'd fucking kill me for that..yeah
well, ill fucking kill HIM if i see that abstard
agauimn... I AM ASHAMED OF THE NAME DEBNEY... there is no
pride or honou elft in it... i am the alst in that family
line... t needs to be wiped out...

im stillr ambling...

who...when you're thi drunk, neverbut yr eha against the
wall and breat deeply and'll get s fucking

nicole told me, today that no on erea,ise not tocall on
god, for we ALL have the power of god within su...ifnonly
we realsied... i say I am a god, in thsi moemnt, thsi
instant, i am as a god, knwoing and unknwoing in equal
measure...yet eprfec tin my imperfect form...

..if you made it thsi far, see me to ask for your goldern
star, im sure i emant to fisnhe about an hour tio an hour
and a haklf just enve rhappened....