The Swagger & Buying in Bulk
today i decided to make the tenuous trip to the cvs across
the street from our office as i was in dire need of some
bare essentials (no not beer and milk) but razors and
contact lens solution. i mosied up to the razor dispenser
which i had no idea how to operate. i don't know if you've
been to a cvs lately but they have these contraptions where
apparently you have to pull the item out from this tray,
no fucking way. at first i tapped at the glass of the
container like a retarded rat looking for its food pellet.
then i damn near broke the thing as i thought you had to
push the handle down instead of pull it out.
i finally managed to pull the damn thing out when i realized
the huge red and yellow sign on it screaming at me "SOLD
OUT!" after that demoralizing loss i strolled over to the
contact lens solution aisle. that shit is expensive. there
was one for 8.49 and then i saw 2 of the same for 14.49.
hot diggity damn! i reached for the packet of 2 when i made
the mistake of thinking.
why don't i just get two of these? shit why don't i get
four? it's not like its perishable? hell why don't i just
drain my bank account and clean out the whole fucking
contact lens solution aisle while i'm at it! i realized i
was screaming in my head and that my left hand was shaking
tremuoulusly as i was clenching to the packet i had.
i quickly did the right thing and left, but not after buying
myself an energy drink (as if i really needed it).
that one energy drink and a cup of coffee later (at about 5
pm) i decided to leave work for a bit (i have the best
office) and check out if the local best buy had will
ferrell's greatest hits. you see i've been laboring for a
month now on whether i should shell out the 24.99 for the
double-edition. i keep on having it in my hands and then
putting it back. well there i was at best buy with the copy
firmly in my hands when out of the corner of my eye i saw
the john belushi best of snl. oooohhh, now how the fuck am
i gonna shell out 24.99 for will ferrell and not drop 10.99
for john belushi? fact was i couldn't and i didn't get
which brings me to my last point of the day. people with
swagger. you know there are some people who are just
successful and have a certain swagger to them, yet maintain
to not be complete assholes. you can always tell them apart
from the assholes who think they have swagger by the fact
that they don't 'try to assert themselves'. let me compare
two people, the first without swagger, the second with.
the first guy i saw as i was leaving best buy he was
ordering something and the lady asked him for his name, to
which he replied,
"no! THE King."
this was a fairly large dude with a toothpick in his mouth
who looked like he seriously thought he was royalty. to
this the lady replied,
"I will call you Prince for all I care, but I can not
deliver you this! Unless I got yo real name...SIR!"
to this the dude's eyes bugged out and in what seemed the
kind of controlled rage a father speaks to his son as he
inadvertently was hit in the nuts by him, the guy says,
"well fine, then i...don't...want...it."
who's the loser in that one?
which brings me to the guy with swagger. he's this
30-something year old asian guy on my commuter train. he
wears a trench coat, has a black brief case and smokes. he
always reminds me of a cross between clint eastwoods'
character in unforgiven and those renegade 50s cops. he
does that thing where he puts his thumb between his eyes
when he looks kind of frustrated and he chain smokes while
just staring people down.
i can just see that man hoping into a black caddilac yelling
at his rookie partner,
"damn it Riley! i told you that dame was trouble, let's go
find out where that bitch hid the gun."
these are the things i tihnk about during my day.