Soul Flares
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2005-11-09 05:11:16 (UTC)

What's Wrong With Me!?

I just don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I used to
know why I cut, but now it seems like there's no reason at
all. I just want to hurt, to feel pain. In a weird way the
pain feels good, and it's like all my insides go numb as
long as I bleed, as long as my outsides hurt my insides
can't. I don't know why I think that, or even why it works.

I think the idea that I'm addicted to cutting, is startting
to sound a bit more sane. Originally I hardly ever cut, and
when I did is was because I was under exessive amounts of
stress, now, if I don't do an assinment, or I get a question
wrong, or I feel out of place, I suddenly want to cut.
Sometimes for no reason I'll want to cut.

Maybe I'm in denial about something. I mean on sunday I felt
great, really happy, but then I just wanted to cry. It made
no sense because I was really happy, but inside myself, even
though part of me was happy, somewhere deep inside I still
hurt from something. I don't know what, but there was
something there for sure.

I just wish I could understand myself. I mean, if I can't
figure myself out, then how can anyone else ever hope to try
to figure me out? If Tommy asks me what's wrong, how can I
answer? I'm tried of not knowing what's going on with me,
I'm tried of my headaches that no one can find a reason for.
I'm tired of getting sick to my stomach and not being sure
why. I'm tried of not knowig why I'm sad, or want to cry.
I'm tired of not understanding myself. I want to understand,
I want to know! It's just not fair that I don't know what's
going on inside me, inside my own head.

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