My Aphrodisiac
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2005-11-07 05:17:33 (UTC)

Oblivious to reality, what is this? Ex #2 that's married with a kid?
Yep. It is. Ha! That ish is funny as hell. Solo know damn
well he ain't right. Ol' cheatin' azz...(not bitter, just
mad at myself for even goin' there) Callin' out names and
all. Oh well. This is blog #3 today or somethin' like
it. Yeah, nothin' else to do but think. So, may as well
write my thought process out. Feel me? Have you ever known
something was bad for you, but you still allowed it to be
apart of you? I know we all can identify with that way or another. A sista feels like Kelly
singin' "Bad Habit". It has nothing to do with comparing
one thing to another. Nor does it have to do with the
opinions of others. It's something that I know deep down
but am not willing to face it's reality. As a woman, I
feel the need to be wanted and loved. But then again,
what woman doesn't want to feel this way? Really. Is love
real if the feelings that those in the relationship have
for eachother are different? If one loves stronger than
the other? Gives more of themself than the other? Hell
no. That can't be real. Often times I find myself
oblivious to the reality that haunts me daily. You're not
in love with HIM. You're in love with wanting to be in
love. Wow. There it is. I said it. Now what? It's one
thing to know it, but a whole 'nother thing to act on it.
Is the Diva scared to be alone? Or to be without
someone "special" in my life? Sometimes I wish he'd just
leave me alone so that I would finally let go. Then again
you should be careful for what you wish for. I'm an
emotional havoc. I remember love. I remember it's touch.
It's embrace. It's presence. It's passion. It's
inevitable heart wrenching pain when it was taken away.
But I still remember it's beauty. I remember the soul
connection had. I felt what he felt and he felt what I
did. Dissipation of souls. But I am thankful to have
experienced it. So, after five years you'd think I'd have
experienced that again. I've felt so alone with people
all around me. Only person I tell "I love you" to is my
mommy and brohem. Cuz they're the only ones who say it
back and I know that it's true. It's more like asking a
question and waiting on a response, but never recieving
it. A one way conversation. This sucks. I'm out.

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