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2005-11-07 02:39:16 (UTC)

Romance and Dating

I saw him talking to her.. The way she trilled her hair made
me think... Ohh no... I have competition! But then I thought
about it, competition... Competition for what? I can't get
what I want.
I talked to my sister today. She has learned everything not
to do. She has had experiences that made her mary below her
level to an abbusive husband. I asked her what to do about
this crap that I put myself through.
She simply said what everyone else says, just go have fun.
You know that what you want doesn't serve a purpose.
I know it doesn't serve a purpose bc chances are it won't
work out. I mean the goal of dating is marrage, but that
isn't my goal. My goal is just to have fun... Dating can be
lots of fun they all say. I have always thought so, until I
have had to make choices, bc now I know that dating simply
means dating, it doesn't mean kissing, it doesn't mean roses
on valentines day, it doesn't mean someone to walk you to
your locker, it doesn't mean loving you so much that you
can't but help love everything around you bc the one thing
that matters most to you feels the same way. It isn't any
of that. It is merely a night spent with a person to see
what quilitys you want for an eternal companion. At least
for now.
It kills me to think this is it. This is all I am getting
from now until collage when joy... No one is going to force
me to be good, no one will say make sure you are back here
by midnight.
He saw me tonight and held out his arms, they fit nicely
around me.. Make me feel warm inside, it makes me feel so
real so alive. I started to pull away, he kept his arms
around me. I like your coat, I say. I like your face, says
he. And for a moment the world is perfect again!
Man this sucks.
I know that even if there was more, the flowery stuff that I
feel now wouldn't last. I know that if there were more, the
fact that he is leaving in a year would just kill me.
When they all leave next year it will kill me.

I have made my descion, but it comes with consequences, once
that I don't want.. For now it would be so much easier to
chose the sweet smelling red roses, and the warmth of
another persons hand. But I can't.

The time is now for chosing quilitys we like in the opposite
gender. The one that he has contributed is that he is
really sweet to anyone and everyone. I like that. (Unless
she is female... jkjk).

I am ready to be a hermit now and avoid it all.

Idk maybe I will surprise the world.. Hey Emilee, what are
you doing Friday night? Me- Taking a bath and enjoying music
well I dream up some crazy strom. And you? Person- Well I
was thinking we could do something... Me-I am sorry, I
prefer the dreaming to the reality.

I used to be like that... But then I started having a
weakness. Now I have to make the decsion. I have to learn to
say no, something I have always been incapable of (unless it
is dishes. lol)

They say that you can't get rid of emotions, you can only
chose how you deal with them. I don't like this method... I
feel like my heart is being ripped, or like it is velcro and
someone is pulling the soft side up and leaving the bristly
side to me.

So.. Is all of dating going to be odd for me. This certainly
isn't what I expected. That is one reason to enjoy the now,
to live for the moment.. But what you want wont be what your
suspecting. I grew up when my sisters were dating. This is
why i am the way I am. However... My sister didn't exactly
follow the boyfriend rule.

I got asked out today. I am in charge of finding the double.

What I need is someone who knows me really well. Someone who
will tell me exactly why what I want will be bad for me.

They say to only start pairing off when you are ready to
get married. Marriage... That was not on my dream chart. I
have never wanted that. Surprising coming from me. My middle
name should be passion. lol. Very few actually understand why.
But I sure do.
So henceforth I never will get what I want. Ohh Joy!


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