lee_the_messed_up_punk

my #ucked up life
2005-11-05 15:20:52 (UTC)

no bra's, no job

Saturday 8:09AM

I'm sitting here sampling some ancient movie
called, 'The Invisible Strangler', so I thought while I
listen, I might as well write. It's a pretty lame flick
about a dude that can strangle people with his super
telekinesis power or something, with lots of nudity and
sexual references. Films from the 60's are always full of
weird scenes that you would never see in today's movies. I
guess that's what makes them entertaining, along with the
one liner dialog, no bra's, cool furniture and funky
clothing.

The strangest thing happened as I started to record,
some girl was playing guitar and it sounded just like
Nirvana's, 'On the Plain'. Sure enough it was and this
movie must have been made way before Kurt was even born.
Weird, I never knew it was a cover.

I'm waiting until nine, when the vendor opens because
I really feel like a beer. I've been up since four in the
morning yesterday and have no urge to sleep. I did pass
out for a while and had a really fucked dream, basically I
felt like I was dyeing.

It was weird because when I woke all I could see was a
bright light and I thought about Pen and
Tellers, 'Bullshit', where they said near death experiences
where just that, bullshit. I don't think it was a near
death experience, it was just weird because when I woke, I
couldn't move for about two minutes. It was like something
was holding my whole body down and my mouth was open and I
couldn't close it.

Life's been real fucked up lately, my worker cut my
pay and I haven't payed rent yet, I'm paranoid that any
minute my landlord might come to the door and tell me that
I'm evicted. Fuck him and his bullshit, there was no
reason for him to do that, he's a moron that can't read.
He said if I didn't see a shrink by the end of October, he
would cut my pay, like I can just walk into a shrinks
office any time I feel like it, fucking looser basted.

I can't believe how easy it is for the government to
fuck up someone's life when there sick, oh ya I'm lying, I
forgot. I love living off three dollars a day and wearing
clothes I wore four years ago and shoes that fucking
stink. Ya, and sleeping for 24 hours then staying up for
three days if fucking great also, prick. The fact that I
feel like killing my self almost every day adds to my fun
and when the doctor wrote you a letter saying that I can't
work for a year she was on fucking acid. Look at me, I
look fine, young and healthy, I should be working, ya, work
is way more important than health, fuckface. Man, he
pisses me off.

Maybe I actually want to see a shrink so that I can
get a proper diagnosis and get off this Zoloft that does
dick all and actually get some real help. I want to shit
on his face. I do want to work but there is no point in
getting a job and driving myself fucking nuts working days
without sleep, it's hell! Then when I eventually run
myself to the ground, I get fired for booking off sick.

Luckily my mother helped me out with smokes and ten dollars
so that I can keep my sanity and make some music today,
since it's Saturday and fuckface's office is closed.

I'm working on a killer song, can't wait to finish it. I
never drink anymore, last time I bought a six it lasted me
a week, it all seems so pointless now, almost everything
does, I hope I feel better some day. I hate the feeling
that I feel like I'm giving up but I'll fight it to the
end.

A few nights ago my mother was having a good day and
was going through some boxes in her closet. She gave me a
bunch of pictures of me and old ones of her when she was
young. She used to look just like me, I wonder how hard it
was for her to hide her disorder, I can see it in her
eyes. Maybe that's why she had a stroke at such a young
age. Days when I loose feeling in my body, I feel that I'm
so close to having one myself. I hope god gives me a few
more years and takes away the guilt that I feel every day.

I wish I was lying.

take care

I'm not depressed by the way, there just thoughts, if I'm
not honest with myself I'll lose what I have.

lee

off to the vendor I go...

Ohh ya, I still have no idea where the fucking bacon came
from.






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