Nasethray

Book of Dreams
2005-11-03 16:13:26 (UTC)

sigh..

the past few days i've been feeling really depressed. i actually
stayed home from school yesterday, which i shouldn't have. i have
so much trouble waking up in the morning. it's ridiculous. i need to
buy a thousand alarm clocks that scream at me so i can wake up.
i've been meaning to write in here for a few days now. i'm not with
jesse anymore, and he lied to me and said he wasn't interested in
anyone and didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, yet
he's asking some stupid blonde chick out. i hope he gets hit by a
car waiting at the bus stop for me. the sight of him upsets me, yet at
the same time i want to be his friend (it's so easy) because he has
been so nice to me. *sigh* my life is so dramatic lately. i still love
derek, and i always will. i'm waiting for the years to go by so i can
see and maybe live with him. i see greg outside of a classroom
waiting for jessica every day. they never hold hands or anything,
it's kind of sad. i don't think greg will ever understand or achieve a
romantic relationship. i hope derek doesn't find some other chick
that he likes more than me (i think it will be hard to find someone
better than me!). his current girlfriend i don't think he even likes,
she's fat, he's not attracted to her from what i know, they probably
don't have a strong connection like we had. i can't wait until she is
out of his life so we can roleplay and so that he will actually TALK
to me. lately i've been saying hi and he either replies with only
"hey" or with nothing at all. Why? I thought i was his friend, and that
we're supposed to stay close in the time that we must wait. is it
because of his girlfriend? i don't know, but i think i'll call him within
the next few days when i don't think he's with Her. i'm listening to
Garageband little music thingies- currently on Synth.
so i have a 73 in calculus right now. Very upset. mom and i are
going in early tomorrow to talk to my teacher. i might drop the
course, it may just be too much for me at the time. and i think i'd do
better if i was with kids my own age and grade level. then i could
get help easier. but my memory. why is it so bad? we think it's the
medication. because my memory was good before i got on it. is the
medicine killing my brain cells? sure it makes me happy, but
where has my creativity and knowledge gone? am i stupider now?
maybe i should just dye my hair blonde so that my appearance
matches my stupidity -_-.
i love kathryn. she's the best friend ever, we have so much fun
together. williamsburg was a blast. we were gone thursday,
friday,sat, and came back sunday. i did really well on my Inferno
project for Skipper, even though i just winged it!!!
so i'm picking stuff out from under my nails LOL! we have a sub
today in computers, that's the main reason that i'm writing in here,
cuz it's one of my only chances. i have a chemistry test and vocab
quiz to make up cuz i skipped school yesterday. i was supposively
feeling sick, but TODAY i'm feeling sick _! well today's
thursday. tomorrow's friday. OH, tonight mom is taking me to the
Van Wezel to see "Urban funk dance". i hope it isn't extremely long
cuz it seems like i'm going to have a bundle of homework to do.
mainly the latin translation, which i'm going to ask scott and nemal
to help with....er..copy :P. i'm wearing a big skirt right now..literally
too big on me, it keeps falling down. i'm holding it up with a safety
pin right now LOL. WHAT DO I DO FOR THE REST OF THE
DAY!!!!! i'm going to Dr. R to talk about the memory loss, see if my
medicine doseage is too high. well i gotta go in a few minutes. so
i'm hoping kathryn will come over tomorrow and we can go get hair
dye and i wanted to go to michael's to get some purple fabric dye
for the sun dress (IT WILL BE SO PRETTY PURPLE!!!!) cuz it's
yellow and BLEH. so TAKE THAT.
this garageband crap is so relaxing and nice. i want to compile a
CD with some of these on it which I Can sleep to. i wish i could see
Derek. i miss him.. :( . I have to stay strong! I can pull through all of
my problems. I am a powerful person with a powerful heart and
mind. I am not weak like Jesse. I am not dependent like Kathryn. I
am Me. and only Me. and i am one of the greatest people on this
Earth. I can be who I want to be, and I will be successful in life.


I will be successful in Life.
3 Derek and Kathryn




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