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2005-11-02 02:24:28 (UTC)


I have fallen tonight.
You have to be careful when punching things.
My hands hurt.. But I told myself this is nothing compared
to how my heart feels and then they didnt' hurt anymore. I
have gotten very good at turning off pain recently.
Thank goodness food is good.
I was reading my diary... My actual diary from this summer.
Man how people change. You wouldn't think over a six month
span that all that happend happend.
I was reading my diary and I found it very interesting. I
had one night that I was so upset.. I woke up at 3:30 to
write.. I had only gone to sleep like 2 hours before. I
wrote that I wanted to hit something and I didn't care if
I broke my hand... I then wrote that it would probably
feel good... Then after that I wrote how wrong that was
in the next paragraph. I am glad I am doing better. That
night I had no desire to eat and I felt like I was going
to throw up. I was kinda upset that night. Physical
violence been part of me so that was weird. Idky I am
putting this in here. Somehow it all seems relavent.
That was one of the worst nights ever.
I need to stop these bad habits I have. I need to get away
for a while have some time to be by myself.
I swear when I get like this (if I were in shape) I would
be a dang good boxer. I wouldn't give up.. I wouldn't
loose either.

(20:30:23) Jonny: its rather simple
(20:30:33) Jonny: if you can figure out how to do it every
(20:31:04) Jonny: it pretty much involves accepting
reality and not just accepting it... just not living in
the past... learn from it

I need to learn how to learn from the past. Rationilizing
bad... I have lived in the For the strenth lately. :)

I think i know what is wrong with me.

Dang! Jonny has the right answers right now.. I don't know
how because I didn't tell him what is going on.. But he
sure has them. Telling me I have to except the answers I
get or I get stuck. Gee.... He didn't even read what was
written above about how when I was really in a bind and
how these feelings Idk what I am looking for...
corrsponde.. They are not nearly to the same magnitude
but Idk what I am trying to say.
20:37:08) Jonny: what is stronger
(20:37:14) Jonny: your body or your spirit
(20:37:31) Jonny: which has the power to overcome the
other one
(20:37:51) Jonny: which one is absolutly essential to you
existing in the first place
(20:38:12) Jonny: so in otherwords you have to decide to
either get over the mortal
(20:38:15) Jonny: ignore it
(20:38:18) Jonny: or...
(20:38:21) Jonny: you could
(20:38:29) Jonny: do the not good thing
(20:38:36) Jonny: ... and ignore the answer
(20:38:43) Jonny: and live in denial
(20:38:49) Jonny: no fun
(20:39:38) Jonny: it may sound hard
(20:39:40) Jonny: but try it

Jonny also says they aren't simple things.. just simple
concepts.. I like that. It still isn't easy for me to get
I am not as strong as I would like to be.. Not even in
punching. So I am least smart enough to figure this out
before I have to make all the discions for real.
Truth be told.. I can't handle a worse fall then I had
this summer. I just can't. I can't let my desirous go
there again.
I can't surpress my emotions. I can only chose how to deal
with them.. This is where I am stuck. Because I can't
surpress them. I can chose not to do anything "stupid"
When the time arises.. But I don't have a way to protect
my emotions except avoid them.
Some say that avoiding emotions distroys you. Maybe thats
why I was feeling so cruddy today.
Ok.. Maybe I could handle another fall.. But I don't want
to experiment and see where it takes me.
I am not ready for this.
Who would have thought that Me.. Emilee R. M. would be gun
shy??? (I bet you hate that phrase leesie).. But still I
can see my first date. Hey Emilee how are you? Me-Grunt.
I need to obey church rules, it is true. I see a point to
them... Its true.. So whats the big deal one would ask?
Thats not what I have been thinking all along. Thats not
what I want.
I am spoiled. Thats the big deal.
Another part of my journal I find fasinating was something
I completly forgot about. I have an entire pg. and a half
devoted to the many details of this and other things the
relate to my emotions. I remember the last day of trek
Jowanza hurt his achilles but non the less was over
talking to my rents the same way he usually does. At the
same time Chris Brown volunteered to walk me to the car..
Instead he walked me to my parents (with his arm around
me, and JOwanza standing there... AT the time I would have
paid money to be able to read minds) where he meet my
Dad.His words were, "You raised an amazing daughter and I
love her."
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........... I find it interesting that
after a whold week of trek that it was him who I wrote
about. weird..
I don't know if this entry shold be seen. It could get me
into a lot of trouble I am sure.
Ohh well... The stuff about the summer is past and now
after shorting out many thoughts I feel a lot better. No
more punching pillows tonight.. Unless I feel the need to
get better toning.. I do need to let my hand heal.

In much better spirits,

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