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2005-10-29 02:54:42 (UTC)

Confussion in the midst of clarity

A Romantic Supper
I once knew A kid, His name was Jowanza,
His Primary concern was making a hundred million,
He was the most romantic poet, that his peers ever seen,
He talked to Egyptian women and wrote prose in his dreams.
Almost fell in love at the age of 16,
He never had a father, all he had was dreams.
He suppressed thoughts,
But ever day the knowledge of his reality was over,
His heart simultaneously grew colder
The sky was shattered for him and he finally quit,
Because his poetic dreams were never realistic...

So Jowanza started casually flirting,
Anything he could do,
To get the respect back in the eyes of his beauty
Write poems over anything that remind him of her,
Stepped up to writing small stories of dream girls.
He wanted to have groupies like his peers at school,
But he was broke and the girls didn't think he would do,
They said,
"Any little coward could write poems,
Any little prep with a pen could write prose"
Jowanza realized these women were economically inclined,
And if he tried to get them he needed be more more refine,
So he made a decision to bring that stage to a halt,
Because it wasn't worth digging into his vault.

He gave up on searching till he met a girl,
She was very optimistic and brought light to his world,
However he never though of her as more than a friend,
Because he felt that would bring their relationship to and
Eventually he had to tell her the truth,
And it made her cry more tears than in all of her Youth,
He had secret intentions of romancing her friend,
When he tried to explain he didn't know where to begin.
She was lying in a sea of tears, emotionally broken a
Jowanza said nothing because he had already told her the
They were indifferent for a moment, Their relationship was
practically dead,
So Jowanza suppressed all the second thoughts in his head.

It's Over and I can't Turn back
It's Over And I Can't Turn Back

Right before he gave up on all the last female,
The only romance left in his life,
He thought about all the women from the previous times,
How close he came to reaching his goals,
Yet he made a mistake on ever girl that he chose.
Now he keeps to himself,
Always alone in his room,
He rarely smiles, and he's almost never amused,
It's over for him until the day she emerges,
Perhaps from the past or the future that's open.



From me
Well... Jowanza that was truely unique. Not what I was
expecting to read.

That girl will be fine, Just give her a little time.
Talking to you she will countiue to do.
Don't worry she won't be to blue,
She learned a lot from you.

Love you she always will,
For you happiness she will gladly pay the bill.
Happiness for all is her will.

Leave your door open, don't leave it closed,
Believe me I know it is harder to be exposed.
Don't worry dear boy, your realtionships haven't

Open doors are harder yes indeed,
but please open them, this I plead.
In the long run it is the way to succeed.

That girl loves you and wants what is best for you.
If loveing her friend is what you need, then please do.
But no matter what that girl will be true.

You didn't have what she needs,
I beg you and plead,
She wants you to proceed.

Both of you did learn,
Please ease your concern,
For this she yearns.

As for you, you will be fine,
Just enjoy asking other girls to dine.
Some lovely girl would love to call you mine.

Good luck Jowanza

My feelings
He gave up on searching till he met a girl,
She was very optimistic and brought light to his world,
However he never though of her as more than a friend,
Because he felt that would bring their relationship to and
end... I find this part very interesting. It confusses me
even though it is quite clear. I am confussed because I
can't put my emotions to the side well reading this.

I wonder what he means when he says a girl could emerge
from the past???
I wonder who he considers the last female.

Today was an odd day.
I go from being happy to sad in 3 mins. Its kinda funny.
One of my YWs. leaders told my mom that I haven't been my
usual self at Yw. I am not the outgoing, inclussive, funny
girl.. But I am likely to be seen upset and or crying.
I don't know how to relate to these girls anymore. I used
to make them laugh bc of my love of males.. It was out I
reached out to people. Now they all come to me with there
problems bc they know I can help but I don't go out of my
way to say.... "Ohh.. My gosh... In the middle of a Yws
video because the guy has beautiful eyes." Instead it is
more along the lines of.. "Man I feel bad for his GF. All
the other girls I am sure are mean to her and I feel bad
when it doesn't work out." Lol
So I go there everyweek and I look around at these
beautiful girls who haven't had any real experiences and
are so so so boy crazy and I sit there watching them
thinking believe me friendship is better.. i never say it
bc one.. that is only partiully true and two there not
going to listen... I know that one from experience.
3 weeks tell I can date. That is if I get asked. I would
have to play it smart to get asked.
So as a 16 year old I am not allowed to have a boy friend,
and I don't want to fall in love. But what do you do if
you do?
As for Jowanza, I don't think I could ever want him in
quite the same way. I mean I still love him, but it would
never work out between us and that is cool with me. Really
I am good.
I am just slightly unstable I guess.. the mood swings..
Getting ticked off at little tiny things. There are many
factors that play into this.
I think that this summer I was on a downward plane. Either
I am getting used to it or I am on my way back up bc each
day I have gotten a little better.
It is probably good that Jowanza told me the truth. It set
me free. Now I can give myself a little more space
emotionally and get better slowly.
I decided today, maybe I will be a carpender when I grow
up. Idk. Psycology and that are both pretty cool.
Carpentary has no rules. It is purely imagination. It is
interesting that I am good at it bc I have no imagination.
I love it, but I can see me getting very very frusterated
whent things wouldn't turn out perfectly.
Ohh well. That is part of life.

I am finally learning to talk to people at school. Mainly
males... Ok I can only talk to males.. But I don't flirt..
Just talk.. It is a lot of fun actually I get along with
them quite well.
School is slowly becoming more fun.. expect when i am
about ready to blow a fuse with in myself.. I guess thats
what happens when one cares.. Who would think..
Ok... this whole summer I have been searching for a
passion.. Something to live for. Last year it was the
moment. Then it switched to Jowanza.. But you can't have
it be for a human they are not consistant. Maybe the
reason why I was so happy last year was because I had a
passion. Maybe now I can actually live for school. Take
serious pride in my work..
Ok crap.. If this happens just watch out for me when I
score anything less then an 87%
I cant exactly chose my passions.. But it looks like
school is going to be it bc at the moment.. Thats what I

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