supergoddess

This diary is my kief,hashish,&opium pip
2005-10-28 10:58:21 (UTC)

Theyll never end, will they?

Last night I had yet another dream about Pat. And I'm
thinking, they'll never end, will they?

I should just.. completely disregard them, stop talking
about them, stop writing about them, and pretend
everythings okay.

Kerri told me the first step to get over someone is to let
yourself. You have to tell yourself every day "this will
get easier", and eventually it will.

Because I think getting over Pat is impossible, it will be
impossible.

And I know that part of me doesn't want to get over him.
Because it's the only thing I have that made me truly
happpy, unconditionally. No matter what happened in any
other part of my life he would content me.

Now I'll have nothing. And I want to just whine and scream
like a little kid.

"I DONT WANNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

A life without him seems so empty.

Is that what I'm striving for here? Emptiness?

I don't want to let him go. I don't think I'll ever want
to. Which is why I won't let myself. I'm not exactly
holding on. I'm just not making an extreme effort to let
him go.

I'm just sitting and leaving things the way they alwayts
were.


........ God. I don't know what the hell to do anymore.

Just let him go, along with everything else I've lost?

And when the next guy comes along and doesn't compare to
him, what am I supposed to do, when I obviously can't
revert back to my old ways?

I only know one thing. No matter what paths I take in my
life, I can only tell you one possible outcome. To all of
them:


I will never be happy.




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