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Out of Inner Monolog? Never!
I feel like I should be all inner monologed out. I just got
back from my church retreat, and all I can say is wow. I
spent so much time in my head it was insane. It was fun . .
. but it was hard too. I mean every since what happened at
the end of 8th grade with Ben and Marissa I've just changed
soo much. It was like suddenly I was a whole new person.
Jessica was dead, and Kathleen was born.
Durring that time I fought off SOOOO much. I realized that I
hated my Father, but now it's calmed down to just an
dislike, and mistrust. The problem is that, well that was
what the retreat was about. Learning to trust in God the
Father, dealing with your relationship with your birth
Father, and learning to forgive.
Actually that was the hardest part, the forgiving part. I
don't forgive myself at all. I don't think I ever really
have. Even for the things that weren't my fault, like what
happened with Ben, and my cutting . . . the worst part was I
ended up cutting myself while I was there! I felt horrible,
but at the same time the pain helped me feel better.
Then after this REALLY powerful skit that they did I almost
completly broke down. My heart just broke and I almost
cried. I didn't, but I almost did. I got to the point where
you're making all the sounds like your cring but there are
no tears. On top of that I had a stomach ache and was
walking down the hill and walked almost into Tommy. He asked
what was wrong and I tired to pass it off, I didn't deny it,
because at this point I know better, but I tried to ignore
it. Only I couldn't. Out of all the wrong things he could
have done or said right then, I was so happy to find he
didn't do any of them. He just gave me this big hug.
You know the kind of hug where it feels like you aren't
holding yourself up anymore, even though you are. Even when
he wasn't hugging me, he didn't stop holding me . . . he
just said "it'll be ok, let it all out. I know you need to."
and I sort of cried on his shoulder. Now I don't cry so it
wasn't real cring, but it was close. Then he just wraped his
arms around me and said a dorky little thing about the moon
taking away my sorrows, and it was stupid . . . but it was
sweet, and it helped. Then for some reason, he felt
compelled to carry me up the hill. I don't ask why with
Tommy, I just deal. still it was special to say the least.
Then we just goofed off and he asked me if I was ok, and I
told him that I was fine, and that I was always fine. Then
we recited that part of "The Itailian Job" where fine really
means Freaked out, Incecure, Nerotic, and Emotional. Which
he says to me often when I tell him I'm fine.
He so sweet . . . he really is and sometimes I don't think I
could handle anything without him. Only that I have to.
After all he's thinking about going into the seminary, and
well, Preist's scare me. So if theory, if Tommy becomes a
Preist, he'll scare me. After all, he has to go to College
next year, so I wont see him probally. He really is a sweet
guy though and a REALLY good friend. Besides, it'll be for
the best, then I won't be able to tell him my problems. He's
got enough on his plate without worrying about me, I don't
want him to hurt, or worry for me.