slave jess

Journal of Joels slave
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2005-10-24 21:58:24 (UTC)

sub diary 24-10-05


my thoughts have been so dark over the past couple days. i
dont feel i deserve to have a Master as wonderful as i do.
i did have thoughts of signing out of this life for good. i
feel worthless even though Master tells me that i am His
most valued possession. i am even querying this. is that
all i am? a possession? maybe i am living an illusion? i
was able to chat with Master for a little while this
morning. it was His sunday afternoon and He had actually
only gotten out of bed. He told me that He didnt go to bed
until 5 am. He said He had been online last night but i
didnt see Him at all. i have problems with my chat
program. today's chat was good. He allowed me to explain
more fully the disappointment i felt last friday. He
finally understood exactly why i had taken His change of
plans so badly. even though i am slave, i am still a woman
who likes romance.

basically all Master & i have right now is "cyber" but i
treat this as the best Wwe can manage until R/T. so for me
last friday was the equivilant to some quality time
together. Master & i had organised to spend time talking on
phone, He in His home & me in mine. but then He had to do
some extra work or something so Master had told me to call
Him to His office. He was alone but that was not the image
i had of Oour time together. i feel this is my vanilla side
coming out and not the bdsm side that never should question
an order. for those who dont regularly read my diary,
Master & i are to have 24/7 so there will be a balance of
vanilla/bdsm. Master allows me this privilege.

Master & i discussed this in depth today so i now feel i
can write about it. He has given me the choice to write
here or to email Him. He said i dont need to post for Him
to know that i love Him. i do love Him but sometimes loving
someone can be painful in many ways.

slave jess {MJ}