Nick's Journal
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2005-10-23 16:02:26 (UTC)

The Top 3 Best, Worst Movies

Now before i give you this coveted (albeit short) list i
want to clarify what i mean by "best, worst movies". these
are movies that through a majority of popular opinion has
gotten a snub in reviews. common phrases that can be heard
when speaking of them are, "that shit? god damn i was
finger-fucking my girl during the last 2 hours, it was so
fucking lame", or "that movie made my 2 month old infant cry
'what a fucking lame piece of shit!' and she can't even
focus on the screen, let alone discern voices!"
all in all they have a few things in common. eye-rollingly
simplistic plots and overall retarded sentimentality (think
of boy running across beach to his golden retriever).
they're usually saving some shit, like a (ahem) whale, or
fighting some ridiculously myopic and one-sided fight from
the west wing of their headquarters. basically these movies
are just laughable, however, once in a while you come across
some diamonds in the rough. and here are mine.
3.) War of the Worlds - i know a lot of people who thought
this was the lamest movie ever made, constantly comparing it
to Independence Day. well true it had the same plot, but it
was so much better than independence crap. first of all the
aliens and their vestiges were a lot more believable (as
believable as they can be), and spielberg even added some
great psychological terror (the whole car incident). tom
cruise was superb, even though he has obviously flown off
the handle. and of course the greatest gem to it all was
that it didn't lower itself to will smith's level. no
punching an alien in the face, oh no, these aliens died the
right way. i don't want to spoil the ending but all i have
to say is that i am so glad it didn't deviate from the book.
2.) Uncle Buck - the definitive john candy movie in my book.
not only was it a lame plot and had some eye-rolling
moments (like the huge pancake scene). but this movie has
so many redeeming qualities. the scene in the bowling alley
were that guy is hitting on his niece is great, or even
better when candy pulls out his hatchet from his car to
threaten his niece's boyfriend. but the all time best
movie-moment comes when he goes to his youngest niece's
school to talk to her principal.
nothing better than when he flips her a quarter and tells
her to get a rat to gnaw that mole off her face after he
just lays into her. then the best music ever, the drum-roll
as he leaves the school and lights up a cigar. it's well
worth watching for those scenes.
3.) The Replacements - boy do people think this movie sucks.
not only is it incredibly lame (who would believe an entire
football team singing in chorus to gloria gaynor?). but it
is so lamely sappy, the ending is predictable (as is the
entire movie), and did i mention keanu reeves is the fucking
qb? that is a recipe of hell in the theatres. but instead,
it is the best worst movie ever. first and foremost gene
hackman is in this movie, and gene hackman is like tom
brady, he's not going to let anything go under with him at
the helm. he plays a great character (a sort of tom landry
homage version of a coach). all of the actors (even keanu)
are just good. hell my favorite aspect of this movie is how
all of the extras (and there are always so many in a
football movie) not only stand out but at times carry (no
pun intended) the movie.
like when the defensive linemen shoot the car, ha (i just
laughed out loud). but the reason this is the best movie
ever is because the ending (as predictable as it is) really
hits you right in the heart with a lump in your throat. and
the most perfect song is played,
that heros song by the wallflowers, i mean come on it even
has the line,
"we can be heros, just for one day." with gene hackman
giving his pantented you're god damn fucking right i have
three testicles half-smile.
awesome. perfect. rent these movies. then buy them.

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